The Relevant Halachos & Arrangements for the Loss of a Family Member

When a parent, spouse, sibling, or child passes away, it is normal to be in a state of shock and to be at a loss for what to do next. This video is a clear, practical guide to help navigate the first stage of Jewish mourning before burial (aninus), what halachos apply, and what steps need to be taken.

First, these are the halachos that apply immediately and, in most cases, continue until the burial:

Let’s start with what’s allowed:

Until the burial, you are allowed to wear leather shoes and leave your home. You are allowed to sit on regular chairs and to change into fresh clothing. Kriah, tearing your clothing, is not done now. It is done right before the funeral. Children under Bar and Bas Mitzvah do not have any restrictions for mourning.

Now, the restrictions:

#1. No saying brachos or doing positive commandments. That includes no krias shema or davening, no brachos before and after food, no putting on tefillin or learning Torah. If you hear a bracha, you do not answer Amein.

#2. You should not bathe, take a haircut, or put on lotions or perfumes.

#3. Until the burial, you are not allowed to eat meat or drink wine. If you eat bread, you will wash your hands without a bracha. Meals should be eaten in a makeshift manner, not at a table and not sitting on a regular chair.

#4. You should not exchange greetings, which includes even answering the phone with “Hello”.

#5. Until the end of Shiva, you should not work or do business.

#6. Marital relations are prohibited.

Now, the first phone call to make is to your Rav. In many cases your Rav will guide you through all the logistics and arrangements. Tell him if you will not be attending the burial or if the burial will only be after shabbos, in which case other halachos will apply.

Next, if your relative died in the hospital, communicate to the hospital staff that there should be no autopsy and that you want all necessary documents signed quickly so that the body can be discharged.

There are now 2 phone calls that need to be made.

The first is to the funeral home, who, in most cases, transport the body and store it until the funeral. Ask them to contact the local Chevra Kadisha to arrange for a Tahara and Shmira, the final purification and the guarding of the body.

Request from the funeral home that the body only be moved by Jews.

The second phone call is to your shul or the cemetery to purchase a burial plot.

Our Chachamim stressed that emphasis should not be placed on spending money to honor the deceased. The greatest honor you can show your family member now is to bury them according to the halachos and minhagim of Klal Yisrael.

Hamakom yenacheim eschem bsoch shaar aveilei tzion virushalayim.