Buried Next To Which Spouse?
One of the saddest events that can occur in a person’s life is the death of a spouse. Those who remarry may eventually be faced with the death of a spouse once more. The question that arises in such situations is whom a person should be buried next to: one’s first spouse or one’s second spouse.[1] As we will see, the answer is not always so simple. It should be noted, however, that there is no true obligation whatsoever for spouses to be buried next to one another. It is simply one of those things that evolved out of emotional and sentimental considerations rather than halachic ones.[2]
There is a case recorded in the codes of a woman who was widowed twice.[3] She had children with her first husband but not with her second husband. As she was putting her end-of-life matters in order, she was forced to deal with the question of which husband she should be buried next to. The Chatam Sofer ruled that when a woman remarries after being widowed, her second marriage, in effect, nullifies the bond that she had with her first husband. As such, he ruled that she should be buried beside her second husband.[4] Indeed, we are taught that a woman will be reunited with her second husband when the resurrection of the dead takes place.[5]
On the other hand, there is also a recorded case of a woman who had children with both her first and second husbands.[6] In this situation, it was decided that the woman should be buried next to her first husband. This ruling was based largely on kabalistic considerations. Indeed, it is taught that upon death, a woman reunites with her first husband in Heaven.[7] It is also taught that a woman forges a distinct bond with the man who she first had relations with and will always have affectionate feelings for him, no matter what.[8] Closely related to this is the teaching that a man prefers to be buried alongside his first wife, especially if they had children together.[9]
In an online responsum, Rav Shlomo Aviner quotes the Sefer Piskei Teshuva which cites the story of a young woman who was married to a wonderful man who died at a relatively young age. The young woman did not want to marry again. She said, "Why should I get married to someone else? When the Resurrection of the Dead takes place, I will be married to my second husband, and my first husband is dearer to me than anything. I prefer to remain a widow all of my life and then be married to my true soul-mate.”[10] Based on this, and several other sources cited there, Rav Aviner argues that one will be re-united with one’s first spouse at the resurrection of the dead unless the second marriage was distinctly more successful. Rav Ovadia Yosef similarly rules that a woman should be buried beside her first husband unless she explicitly requests otherwise.[11]
Those who rule that a person should be buried next to their second (or most recent spouse), argue that support for their opinion can be found in the Torah. When discussing for which relatives a Kohen is permitted to defile himself (and thereby attend their funeral), the Torah includes a sister, as long as she was never married. If she was ever married -– even if she is no longer married when she dies -- her Kohen brother is not permitted to attend her funeral.[12] Based on this, a number of authorities rule that marriage nullifies prior relationships. In this case, she is no longer considered to be the sister of the Kohen, to some extent, once she marries. Others disagree and argue that no proof can be brought from this case. This is because the permissibility of a Kohen defiling himself for his sister depends primarily on whether or not she was a virgin rather than whether she was actually married.
While the above discussion may lead one to believe that a woman should ultimately be buried next to her second husband, it might not be true for a man who has remarried.[13] Most sources seem to indicate that a man is always connected to his first wife -- even after her passing.[14] We see this in the laws of mourning. According to halacha, a man mourns for his wife longer than a woman mourns for her husband. For example, a man must wait until at least “three festivals” have passed since his wife’s death before remarrying, while a woman may remarry after three months, and even this is only to determine whether or not she was pregnant from her first husband. It seems from here that the love a man has for his wife is stronger than the love she has for him![15] Therefore, it might just be that women should be buried alongside their second husbands while men should be buried alongside their first wives.[16] Needless to say, all such decisions must be made with the utmost sensitivity, taking the feelings of all parties involved into consideration.
There is a view that a marriage remains binding even after death. This is based largely on the Talmudic story of Rav Chananya ben Chachinai. The Talmud relates that after being away from home for an extended period of time, Rav Chananya’s wife died (“her soul fled”) from excitement upon his return. Rav Chananya prayed for her, and she was revived.[17] Since the Talmud doesn’t mention anything about the couple having to remarry due to the wife having died, it is derived from here that death does not sever a marriage.
It is also noted that the Talmud teaches that when God gave the Torah at Mount Sinai, the Jewish people essentially died due to the holiness of the event, and had to be revived. Immediately after the Revelation, the men were commanded to resume relations with their wives which had been forbidden for three days prior to the Revelation. Again, there is no mention of people having to remarry before resuming relations due to having been dead, albeit for a short period of time. This seems to be another proof text that death does not sever a marriage.[18]
Finally, there is also the story of Rabbah and Rav Zeira. One Purim, Rabbah got so drunk that he slit Rav Zeira’s throat. We are told that Rav Zeira was dead. The next day, Rabbah prayed for him to come to life, and so it was.[19] Here too, there is no mention anywhere of Rav Zeira having to “remarry” his wife following his resurrection.
It appears from the Talmudic sources cited that those who were married during their lifetime will not be required to “remarry” upon resurrection (as long as there was no subsequent marriage.)[20] It is noted, however, that in all the Talmudic stories just cited, the bodies in question were not buried nor did they decompose. As such, there is some discussion whether the marriage would still remain valid if the resurrection of the spouse takes place after the body was buried and/or began to decompose.[21]
Most other sources, however, seem to suggest that death annuls a marriage.[22] According to this approach, a couple would be required to formally remarry upon their resurrection. There is also an opinion that the death of a husband nullifies a marriage, but not the death of a wife. Hence, a woman who is resurrected during the lifetime of her husband resumes her status as his wife and is permitted to him without the need to “remarry.”[23]
[1] B’tzel Hachachma 2:73.
[2] YD 366:2; Minchat Yitzchak 3:106.
[3] Yad Shaul, YD 366.
[4] Chatam Sofer 355. On a related note: The Chatam Sofer's third wife was the widow of Rav Tzvi Charif (the author of Tiv Gittin). The Chatam Sofer once saw her lighting a candle for her first husband on his Yahrtzeit, the 25th of Tishrei. He was upset, but did not say anything in order not to cause her pain. Oddly enough, the Chatam Sofer eventually died on the same day of the year. Zichron L’moshe p.68 in the footnote.
[5] See Hagahos Yad Sha’ul, YD 366:3; She’arim Metzuyanim B’halacha 199:7; B’tzel Hachachma 2:73.
[6] Zera Emet, YD 146. See also Yabia Omer 7:40.
[7] Rav Pe’alim 2, Sod Yesharim 2.
[8] Tosfot, Ketubot 4a.
[9] Zera Emet, YD 146.
[10] Piskei Teshuva (Pitrakovsky) 124. See http://www.ravaviner.com/2011/08/spouses-during-resurrection-of-dead.html for more.
[11] Yabia Omer 7:40.
[12] Vayikra 21:3.
[13] Keren Ora, Yevamot 55b.
[14] Tosfot, Bava Batra 114b.
[15] YD 392:2; Be'er Heitev 392:2; Aruch Hashulchan, YD 392:4,5.
[16] Btzel Hachachma 2:73.
[17] Ketubot 62b.
[18] Mishne Halachot 9:402.
[19] Megilla 7a.
[20] Be’er Heitev, EH 17:1; Pitchei Teshuva, EH 17:1. See also Knesset Hagedola, EH 17:2; Birkei Yosef, EH 17:1 and Emunot V’deiot 7:6.
[21] Birkei Yosef, EH 17:1; Chatam Sofer, Nidda 70b cited in “The Philosophical Quest” by J. David Bleich, Maggid. P.313. See there for more on this.
[22] Kovetz Shiurim 2:28; Terumat Hadeshen, Pesakim U’ktavim 102 cited in “The Philosophical Quest” by J. David Bleich, Maggid. P.314.
[23] Cited in “The Philosophical Quest” by J. David Bleich, Maggid. P.319-320. See there for much more on this topic and the various ramifications of each of the opinions.