Nichum Aveilim: Comforting Mourners

The mitzva of nichum aveilim, comforting mourners, is generally performed by visiting those who are sitting shiva. According to some authorities, nichum aveilim is actually a biblical mitzva[1] while according to others it is a rabbinical one.[2] It seems that it was God Himself who first performed the mitzva of nichum aveilim when He “visited” and comforted Yitzchak Avinu after the death of Avraham Avinu.[3] Not only does nichum aveilim allow one to perform an act of kindness by visiting the mourners and offering them words of comfort and encouragement, but we are taught that the soul of the deceased is comforted when one performs nichum aveilim, as well.[4] In fact, merely visiting a shiva house, even without saying anything to the mourners, has much merit and is also a fulfillment of the mitzva of nichum aveilim.[5]

It is customary for even those who are not truly obligated to mourn for the deceased to participate in some of the mourning practices (e.g. not bathing in hot water, not listening to music, not participating in any festive celebrations) – at least when in the presence of family members who are. For example, a husband should sit alongside his wife and tend to her needs when she is sitting shiva, though he should not sit on a low chair as true mourners do. In this way, one comforts those who are mourning and shows honor to the deceased.[6]

As a general rule, only those directly associated with the shiva should eat in a shiva house.[7] Nevertheless, there is a widespread Sephardic custom to offer food to the guests at a shiva house. It is explained that the many blessings and "amens" that are recited over the food and drink by all those present serve as a merit for the deceased. According to all authorities, however, one may be lenient when necessary when the shiva is not being observed in the location where the deceased had died.[8]

It is ideal for the shiva to be observed in the place where the deceased had died, though this is seldom practical. If shiva cannot be held where the deceased had died then it should be observed in the home of the deceased. If this too is not possible then the mourners sit shiva in their own homes or they may join together to sit shiva in the home of one of the mourners. In the event that there are no mourners who will be observing shiva, efforts should still be made by community members to hold services in the home of the deceased.[9] In some communities, it is customary not to visit mourners during the first three days of shiva which is when their grief is the most intense.[10] Common custom, however, is to welcome shiva visits even immediately after internment.[11] It is permissible for a man to pay a shiva visit to a woman and vice versa. A bride and groom should not pay a shiva call on their wedding day.[12] One should avoid paying a shiva visit on Shabbat.[13]

It is unclear where the traditional mourner’s greeting -- actually a blessing -- of "Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch shaar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim” -- “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem" is derived from.[14] One will notice that the phrase is worded in the plural (obvious in the Hebrew version) and it is recited in this manner even if there is only one mourner present. The reason for this is that the plural tense is intended to convey that not only is the mourner being comforted by the shiva visit, but the soul of the deceased is being comforted, as well.[15] In Sephardic communities, the customary greeting is "tanchumu min hashamayim" – "May you be comforted from heaven." The "Hamakom yenachem…" blessing should be recited by the visitors while they are still seated,[16] though other authorities are not particular about this.[17] The mourners should answer “amen” to the “hamakom” blessing.[18] One should not say the “hamakom…,” nor comfort a mourner in any way, until the deceased is buried and the shiva has formally begun.[19] Even one who has attended the funeral and burial should still pay a shiva visit, as well.[20] It is permitted to shake a mourner's hand when offering condolences.[21]

There is some discussion as to why God is referred to as "Hamakom" in the context of the nichum aveilim formula.[22] Some suggest that "Hamakom," meaning "the place," refers to the "place" in Heaven where the soul of the deceased finds itself. Others suggest that God is referred to indirectly as "Hamakom" as if to say "He who is in all places," so as to avoid referring to God directly in a context of sadness and mourning. It is also noted that the word “hamakom” has the same gematria as one of the names of God.[23] We invoke Jerusalem when comforting mourners in order to convey that just as the Jewish people will one day be comforted over the destruction of Jerusalem with its rebuilding, so too, the mourners will one day be comforted by the loss of their loved one with the resurrection of the dead in the messianic era.[24] There are other interpretations, as well.[25]

One should be sure to choose appropriate conversation when visiting a shiva house.[26] Each mourner should be addressed individually and the conversation tailored accordingly.[27] The mourner should be the first to open any conversation.[28] One should not visit one’s enemy during shiva, though one may send a messenger to inform him that one would like to visit and evaluate his response.[29] One who is only able to perform either nichum aveilim or bikkur cholim, should perform nichum aveilim.[30] However, one who is able to perform both mitzvot should perform bikkur cholim first.^[31]One should comfort non-Jewish mourners, as well.[32]

Although most people only visit a shiva house once during the shiva week, it is actually meritorious to visit multiple times, and even daily, if possible.[33] Efforts should be made to visit mourners at times when they are likely to have no other visitors.[34] One who is unable to personally visit mourners should at least phone them to offer one’s condolences.[35] One should be especially sure to visit those who are sitting shiva for the loss of a child. In fact, we are told that the death of a child may signify that the child was a reincarnation of a great person.[36]

[1] Talmidei Rabbeinu Yona, to Berachot, beginning of perek “mi shemeto.”

[2] Rambam, Hilchot Avel 14:1; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1.

[3] Bereishit 25:11; Sota 14a; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1.

[4] Rambam, Hilchot Avel 13:4, 14:7; Shabbat 152b. See also Moed Katan 21b.

[5] Berachot 6b.

[6] Rema, YD 374:6.

[7] See Rabbi Akiva Eiger, YD 376:4; Rivevot Ephraim 8:204:3; Aruch Hashulchan, YD 376:11. See also Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (Toledano) 111:12 and Ateret Shlomo 28 cited in Magen Avot YD 376.

[8] Misgeret Hashulchan 376.

[9] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:5; Badei Hashulchan, YD 376:3, biurim, s.v. met.

[10] Tuv Tam V'daat 2:10.

[11] Rambam, Hilchot Avel 13:2; Teshuvot V'hanhagot 1:691, 3:377, 4:274.

[12] B’tzel Hachachma 2:44.

[13] Aruch Hashulchan, OC 287:3.

[14] Aruch Hashulchan, OC 287:3.

[15] Divrei Sofrim, YD 376; Emek Davar 9.

[16] Rivevot Ephraim 3:359:3.

[17] Leket Yosher p. 91; Orchot Rabbeinu p.313.

[18] Pnei Baruch 11:5; Teshuvot V’hanhagot 1:691, 3:377. But see Halichot Olam Vol. 2 p.150 for a dissenting view.

[19] Avot 4:18.

[20] Rambam, Hilchot Avel 13:1,2; Shevet Hakehati 5:211.

[21] Har Tzvi, YD 290, Yaskil Avdi, YD 6:25.

[22] See Rivevot Ephraim 5:559.

[23] Sefer Kushiot 78. There are a number of ways of interpreting the gematria of “hamakom” as being equal to the name of God. One such interpretation, cited by Raphael N. Levi, is that if one takes each letter of the Shem Havayah (the Tetragrammaton) and squares it: Yud 10² = 100; Heh 5² = 25; Vav 6² = 36; Heh 5² = 25. Total 186 = the gematria (numerical value) of Makom.

[24] Teshuvot V'hanhagot 3:378.

[25] See for example Tzitz Eliezer17:7 s.v. v’alah.

[26] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:4.

[27] YD 354:2.

[28] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1; YD 376:1.

[29] YD 335:2; Shach, YD 335:2; Aruch Hashulchan, YD 335:6.

[30] YD 335:10; Shach, YD 335:11.

[31] Bach, YD 335.

[32] YD 367:1.

[33] Darchei Hachaim 4:2.

[34] Yosef Ometz p. 329.

[35] Igrot Moshe, OC 4:40:11; Be’er Moshe 2:106; Rivevot Ephraim 3:610. See also Pachad Yitzchak, Igrot #33.

[36] Rivevot Ephraim 6:10:3.