Verbal Abuse

An often overlooked area in interpersonal relations is that of "ona'at devarim," verbal abuse. The Torah tells us that causing another person any form of pain - even with words - is strictly forbidden.[1] Verbally abusing another person is forbidden whether or not other people are present. In fact, if others are present one transgresses the prohibition of embarrassing another person, as well.[2] The prohibition of ona'at devarim applies to hurting the feelings of all people, including children.[3] Indeed, it may just be that insulting a child is even worse than insulting an adult, as according to halacha children are unable to fully forgive someone who has wronged them until they reach bar or bat mitzva.[4] One must also be especially careful not to insult a widow or an orphan.[5] Even an offensive facial expression falls under the category of ona'at devarim.[6]

Our sages teach us that personal offenses are worse than financial ones. This is because a person is generally more upset when personally mistreated than when experiencing a monetary loss. Furthermore, it is much easier to make amends for financial mishaps than personal ones. While a check will often do the trick for the former, much more effort may be required to make amends for the latter.[7] One must be especially careful to ensure that any sensitive comments one might make to another person will not be taken the wrong way. Indeed, one is even allowed to lie in order to make another person feel good about something they've done or purchased.[8] It goes without saying that putting someone down is a terrible thing to do.[9] One should never make a negative comment regarding a person's looks and appearance.[10]

The principle of ona'at devarim also requires one to do anything one can to make others feel good, especially when in conversation with them. An often cited example of this is when someone shares good news which one has already heard one should pretend that one is hearing it for the very first time. In this way one allows the bearer of the news the satisfaction of "being the first."

One is also forbidden to remind someone of a problematic or embarrassing past that they might have. Calling someone by a derogatory nickname also falls under the category of ona'at devarim and, in fact, may be the worst form of ona'at devarim.[11] Among the worst things that one must be sure never to call someone is a slave, mamzer, or wicked.[12] One is also forbidden to scare someone with false information, even if it is intended only as a joke. It goes without saying that it is forbidden to scare someone by sneaking up behind them and yelling "boo!"[13]  It is forbidden to ask someone a question which one knows they cannot answer.

Another common application of ona'at devarim is in business and commerce. It is forbidden for one to ask a store clerk the price of an item which one has no intention of buying. This is because doing so falsely raises the hopes of the clerk who may be under the impression that a sale is imminent. However, if one first informs the clerk that one has no intention of purchasing the item, it is permitted to ask the clerk such questions.

[1] Vayikra 25:15;Rashi

[2] Shaarei Teshuva 3:214

[3] Sefer Hachinuch 338

[4] It is reported that Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky once showed up unexpectedly at a certain bar-mitzva. Upon his arrival he proceeded directly over to the bar-mitzva boy to wish him mazel tov and then whispered something in his ear. Although the parents of the boy were excited that such a great sage attended their simcha, they were at a loss to understand why he had decided to come without having been formally invited. As such, the father of the boy went over to the rabbi and asked him to what did he owe the honor of his presence. Rabbi Kanievsky explained that one year on Rosh Hashana, he reprimanded some children who had been making noise and disrupting the services. One of the children he reprimanded was this bar mitzva boy who he later learned was not responsible for the noise, but rather, it was other children who had run away when they saw the rabbi coming. The rabbi realized that he had embarrassed the boy by accusing him of something he didn’t do and therefore came to ensure that the boy, now an adult, had truly forgiven hm.

[5] Shemot 22:21;Rashi

[6] Yereim 5:180

[7] Bava Metzia 58b

[8] Ketubot 17a

[9] Rambam Deot 6:3

[10] Ta'anit 20b

[11] Bava Metzia 58b

[12] Kiddushin 28a

[13] C.M. 420:31