Embarrassing Others
It should go without saying that embarrassing or insulting another person is a serious transgression of the Torah. The Talmud even equates embarrassing another person with murder.[1] We are taught that one should sooner have oneself killed rather than embarrass another person.[2] This idea is derived from Tamar who was ready to have herself killed rather than allow Yehuda to be embarrassed.[3] One who embarrasses another person has no share in the World-to-Come.[4] Some authorities suggest that this remains true even for one who has repented from having done so.[5]
One who feels the need to rebuke another person for something they have done must be especially careful not to embarrass them in the process. Indeed, the Torah warns us to be careful and ensure that the benefits of rebuking another person are not outweighed by the damage that would result in embarrassing them.[6] As such, one who feels that one must comment or criticize the behavior of another person, should consider doing so in private rather than in public.[7] Note that the presence of three or more people defines a venue as a public one from the perspective of halacha.[8]
Nevertheless, a person who engages in extreme, severe, or dangerous behavior and is unresponsive to repeated admonishment may be censured in a public manner.[9] Indeed, it is an obligation to admonish such a person publicly even if doing so will embarrass them.[10] For example, it is often permitted to embarrass a confirmed adulterer even if the members of the adulterer's family will be shamed in the process.[11] One who assaults a fellow Jew, thereby causing him pain and embarrassment, is regarded as one who assaults and embarrasses God Himself.[12]
One must also be careful not to call another person by a nickname. We are told that one who refers to someone with a derogatory nickname loses their portion in the World-to-Come.[13] There is even an opinion that one must fast forty days in order to achieve atonement for having called someone by a nickname.[14] It is explained that even though calling someone by a nickname might seem like an innocent and friendly thing to do, there is always some concern that the person might feel a slight sense of discomfort or embarrassment by the nickname. This is true even with regards to someone who is accustomed to being called by a certain nickname. In fact, it should be avoided even if the person being called by the nickname implied that he is not bothered by it. [15] Even referring to someone by their family name is forbidden as doing so displays a lack of respect for the person.[16]
[1] Bava Metzia 58b
[2] Bava Metzia 58b
[3] Bereishit 38
[4] Bava Metzia 59a
[5] Kolbo 118
[6] Vayikra 19:17, Erchin 16b
[7] Bava Metzia 31a
[8] Binyan Tzion 172
[9] Rambam Deot 6:8
[10] Sefer Hachinuch 240
[11] Megilla 25b
[12] Sanhedrin 58b
[13] Orchot Chaim L'harosh 117, Rambam Teshuva 3:14
[14] Menorat Hamaor, Hilchot Teshuva 3
[15] C.M. 228:5
[16] Megilla 28a