Mourning: Extended Family

As a general rule, the laws of mourning are only observed for the death of one's seven closest relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, spouse. There is, however, a lesser-known custom that encourages one to participate in the mourning of non-immediate relatives, as well.[1] While one is not required to observe shiva for non-immediate relatives, nor most of the other mourning customs and rituals for that matter, one should, however, observe some form of mourning until the Motzai Shabbat following the burial.[2] This is true whether the burial took place early in the week or even only shortly before the start of Shabbat.[3]

Among the recommended mourning practices that one should observe for non-immediate relatives are: not bathing in hot water, not listening to music, and not participating in any festive celebrations.[4] Some authorities even suggest that one should not change one's clothes, get a haircut, or shave.[5] Even according to the strict opinion, however, one is permitted to shower in honor of Shabbat.[6]

Some authorities suggest that when one participates in the mourning for a relative that one is not truly obligated to mourn for, one should include oneself in the traditional blessing of “Hamakom Yenachem…” when offering it to the true mourners. According to this approach, one should say "Hamakom Yenachem Etchem V'otanu Betoch Shaar Aveili Tzion V'yerushalayim."[7] Other authorities oppose making any changes to the traditional formula.[8]

The custom of mourning for non-immediate relatives does not apply to relatives through marriage.[9] Nevertheless, a child, sibling, or parent of one who is sitting shiva should participate somewhat in the mourning that their immediate relative is observing.[10] A spouse only participates in the mourning when the other spouse is sitting shiva for a parent.[11]

The practice of mourning for non-immediate relatives is generally observed for grandparents, grandchildren, and often for nieces and nephews, as well.[12] Nevertheless, mourning for non-immediate family members is only a custom and is not binding upon those who choose not to observe it.[13] Furthermore, many authorities rule that the custom does not apply when the shiva and mourners are in another city.[14]

If a couple decides to divorce, there is no requirement for one spouse to sit shiva for the other spouse in the event that one of them dies before the divorce is finalized.[15] So too, there may not be an obligation to mourn upon the passing of an abusive spouse.[16] Converts do not observe the laws of mourning for any non-Jewish family members that pass away. This is true even regarding a non-Jewish family member who converted at the same time.[17] An adopted child should observe all the mourning rituals for his adoptive parents even though he is not truly obligated to do so. This is especially true regarding the recitation of kaddish.[18]

One is required to observe a minimal level of mourning upon the passing of one's primary rabbi. For example, one is forbidden to eat meat or drink wine (on weekdays) from the time one’s rabbi dies until he is buried. Kriah is also performed on the passing of one’s rabbi. In fact, a number of other mourning practices that are generally reserved for immediate family members are observed, as well.[19]

In the event of a massive tragedy or ongoing epidemic, especially when chaos is expected to ensue for quite some time afterwards, all mourning requirements may be postponed as necessary.[20] The laws of mourning are not observed for a child who did not live at least thirty days.[21] One does not mourn the passing of a heretic, though a true heretic is hardly to be found in our day.[22] There is also a view that one does not mourn for one who was married to a non-Jew.[23]

[1] Rema, YD 374:6; Shach, YD 374:7; Chochmat Adam 161:5; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 203:2; Sha'ar Hatziun 128:126.

[2] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 203:2.

[3] Rama, YD 374:4; Shach, YD 734:7.

[4] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 203:2; Taz, YD 374:2; Shach, YD 374:7.

[5] Divrei Sofrim 374:54.

[6] Daat Kedoshim, YD 374.

[7] Divrei Sofrim 22:40.

[8] Badei Hashulchan, YD 374:58.

[9] Shach, YD 374:6.

[10] Pitchei Teshuva, YD 374:3.

[11] Gesher Hachaim 19:5-3.

[12] Regarding a grandson saying kaddish for a grandfather see: Maharik 30; Noda B’yehuda, OC 8; Pitchei Teshuva, YD 376. Regarding saying kaddish for a Non-Jew see Yechaveh Daat 6:60.

[13] Knesset Hagedola, YD 374; Aruch Hashulchan, YD 374:16; Yalkut Yosef, Aveilut 8:2. There is even a view that this halacha does not apply at all nowadays. See: Yismach Levav, YD 47:13 and Yabia Omer, YD 4:35:9.

[14] Nitei Gavriel, Aveilut 126:24; Shemirat Shabbat K'hilchata 65 footnote 80; Orchot Rabbeinu, vol.4 p. 116.

[15] Rabbi Akiva Eiger, YD 374.

[16] Nitei Gavriel; Aveilut 126:3.

[17] YD 374:5, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 203:5.

[18] Chatam Sofer, OC 146.

[19] YD 242:25,27; 341:1; 374:10, 394:2.

[20] Nitei Gavriel, Aveilut 126:9; Yosef Daat 376:7; Chaim B'yad 125:6.

[21] YD 374:8.

[22] YD 345:5, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 201:1

[23] Shevet Halevi 2:213.