Family Matters

And Avram went as Hashem had spoken to him. And Lote went with him. Avram was the age of seventy-five years when he went out of Charan. (Sefer Beresheit 12:4)

I. Introducing Lote

Parshat Lech Lecha introduces various new characters. Avraham and Sara – mentioned in Parshat Noach – are the prominent characters. Lote – the son of Avraham’s deceased bother – is a participant in many of the parasha’s episodes. Lote is an intriguing character.

Hashem commands Avraham to leave Charan and travel to a land that He will indicate. Avraham embarks on his journey. His nephew Lote joins him. Lote arrives at the Land of Cana’an with his uncle. He accompanies him as Avraham travels through the land. Famine forces Avraham to abandon the land Hashem has promised to him. He travels to Egypt and Lote is at his side.

Egypt is a morally corrupt land. Avraham fears that an Egyptian will covet Sara, murder him, and take Sara. He develops a shrewd plan to protect himself and Sara. He suggests to Sara that she masquerade as his sister. Suitors will appeal to him, attempting to secure the hand of his supposed sister. They will shower him with gifts to win his approval. But he will hold out, playing one suitor against the other. Hopefully, he will be able to carry-on with this hoax until it is possible to return to the Land of Cana’an.

Avraham does not foresee Paroh taking Sara as his queen. His strategy was effective in keeping at bay other suitors. But a king presumes he has the right to take any eligible woman as his queen. Paroh rewards Avraham for his sister but does not ask his permission or seek his approval.

Hashem strikes Paroh and his household with a plague. Paroh concludes that Sara is Avraham’s wife, not his sister. The plague is a punishment. He returns Sara to Avraham but tells him that he and Sara must leave the land with their household and possessions.

Lote supports Avraham throughout the horrible ordeal. He realizes that if Sara’s true identity is discovered, his active support of Avraham’s hoax will place him in danger. Yet, he is completely loyal to his uncle.

And Avram said to Lote: Let there not now be a conflict between you and me, for we are men who are brothers. (Sefer Beresheit 13:8)

And Lote lifted his eyes and he saw the plain of the Jordan, for it was completely watered before Hashem destroyed Sedom and Amorah. [It was like] the garden of Hashem, like the land of Egypt until Tzoar. And Lote chose for himself the entire plain of the Jordan. And Lote traveled from the east. They separated – a man from his brother. Avraham dwelled in the Land of Cana’an and Lote dwelled in the cities of the plain; he camped until Sedom. The people of Sedom were evil and sinners, enormously toward Hashem. (Sefer Beresheit 10-13)

II. Lote’s transformation

Avraham returns to Land of Cana’an and his relationship with Lote changes. They are in conflict. Avraham suggests that they separate from one another. What caused this conflict? Before addressing this question, another issue must be considered.

Avraham suggests to Lote that they separate from one another. Lote agrees. Lote chooses for himself the fertile Jordan plain. He dwells in the cities near Sedom. The Torah adds that the people of Sedom were wicked.

Why does the Torah, here, comment on the evil of the people of Sedom? How is this relevant to its discussion of Lote’s decision? Rashi explains that Lote recognized the depravity of the people of Sedom. Nonetheless, he chose to settle in their proximity.[1]

Rashi’s comments on this episode include various other critical comments concerning Lote. The Torah compares the fertility of the plain of the Jordan River to the Land of Egypt. The overt comparison concerns the remarkable fertility of these lands. Rashi cites the Sages offering another interpretation of the comparison. The Land of Egypt was singular in its sexual immorality. Sedom’s promiscuity and lasciviousness rivaled Egypt’s. And this attracted Lote![2]

Discussing Lote’s departure from Avraham, Rashi quotes another comment of the Sages. Lote departed saying to himself, “I have no interest in Avraham and not in his L-rd!”[3]

Rashi is describing a remarkable change in Lote. Avraham’s loyal and devoted nephew rejected him, his G-d, and was attracted to the depraved lifestyle of the inhabitants of Sedom. How can this metamorphosis be explained?

To Lote, also, who traveled with Avraham were flocks, cattle, and tents. The land could not bear them to dwell together, for their possessions were much and they were not able to dwell together. (Sefer Beresheit 13:5-6)

III. Conflict over the land

Let us begin with the first question. What caused the conflict between Avraham and Lote? The Torah explains that Avraham and Lote had large flocks and many cattle. The land’s resources were not adequate to support all the livestock. Lote’s and Avraham’s shepherds competed for the pasture. This competition led to conflict. Avraham suggested that they separate from one another and not try to share the land’s overextended resources. Avraham’s message to Lote was that separation would relieve the tension between them; it would resolve their conflict. In his words to Lote, he stressed their brotherhood. Rashi adds that Avraham explained to Lote that he was not suggesting that they place a large distance between one another. He assured Lote that he would remain nearby. Lote should continue to rely on his support and protection.[4]

The explanation for their conflict and Avraham’s strategy makes Lote’s reaction even more difficult to understand. He chose to resettle near Sedom and declared his rejection of Avraham and his G-d. Why did Avraham’s efforts to resolve their conflict so terribly alienate Lote?

IV. Lote’s relationship with Avraham

Various factors were responsible for this change.  Let us consider one developed by Rashi based on Midrash Rabbah.

“And there was a conflict [between the shepherds of Avram and the shepherds of Lote because the shepherds of Lote were wicked and pastured their animals in others’ fields. The shepherds of Avram rebuked them for stealing. They said to them [in response], ‘The land is given to Avram and he has no heir. Lote, his nephew, will inherit from him. This is not theft.’ And the Torah says, ‘And the Canaanites and the Perizites then dwelled in the land.’ Avram had not yet gained the right to it.” (Rashi, Sefer Beresheit 13:6)[5]

Rashi attributes to Lote’s shepherds the assertion that their master was destined to be Avraham’s heir. But Lote was likely aware of their claim. He certainly knew that his shepherds were grazing his flocks indiscriminately. He must have known their reasoning. It seems he shared their expectation that he would be Avraham’s heir.

V. Disappointment and its aftermath

Lote was Avraham’s closest blood-relative within their community. He followed his uncle from Charan. He endured the hazards and hardships of their journey and resettlement in Cana’an. He traveled with Avraham to Egypt and protected his secret – risking his life. He anticipated being Avraham’s heir. He treated Avraham as a father and viewed himself as Avraham’s son. But Avraham told him that they must separate! Does a father tell his son that they must separate? Lote’s perception of their relationship was suddenly shattered.[6]

Avraham separated from Lote assuring him that they are brothers and that he will continue to support and protect him. He did not want their separation to undermine their relationship. He saw the separation as essential to resolving their conflict and preserving their relationship. However, they did not share the same understanding of their relationship. From Lote’s perspective, Avraham’s suggestion was a devastating rejection. He responded by rejecting Avraham, his values, and his G-d.  

VI. Managing relationships

This is an important lesson in the management of relationships. We should understand that how a child, spouse, or friend will respond to our behaviors toward him or her will not be based upon our understanding of the relationship or our expectations. The response will be based upon the child’s, spouse’s, or friend’s understanding of the relationship and his or her expectations. I may feel that my behaviors toward another are completely appropriate. Nonetheless, my well-intentioned actions may undermine my relationship with my spouse, child or friend. This is because my actions and behaviors will not be measured by my expectations. They will be measured by the expectations of my partner in the relationship. An important lesson.

[1] Rabbaynu Shlomo ben Yitzchak (Rashi), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 13:13.

[2] Rabbaynu Shlomo ben Yitzchak (Rashi), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 13:10.

[3] Rabbaynu Shlomo ben Yitzchak (Rashi), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 13:11.

[4] Rabbaynu Shlomo ben Yitzchak (Rashi), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 13:9.

[5] The source of these comments is Midrash Rabbah, Sefer Beresheit 41:5. There is a significant difference between the text of the midrash and Rashi’s summary of it. In the text of the midrash, Hashem responds to Lote’s shepherds. This is significant. Hashem did not contradict the contention of Lote’s shepherds that their master was Avraham’s likely heir. He ignored this contention. His rebuke was that the land was of yet Avraham’s. Hashem’s response suggests that Avraham’s fathering of children was not yet assured. Hashem had told Avraham that he would be the source of a great nation (12:2) and that his descendants would inherit the Land of Cana’an (12:7). Nonetheless, it seems some uncertainly regarding Avraham’s fatherhood remained. 

[6] Interestingly, the Torah and Rashi do not comment on Avraham’s attitude toward Lote’s anticipation of being his heir. This silence seems to suggest that Avraham did not address this issue with Lote.