Public Displays of Affection

It is the consensus of halachic authorities, and normative orthodox practice, that public displays of affection between husband and wife are inappropriate and should be avoided. This includes kissing, hugging, and all other forms of touch and affection that is generally associated with a husband and a wife.

The source for this approach is attributed to the following intriguing Talmudic passage:

Rav Bana’a used to mark out caves [where there were dead bodies]. When he came to the cave of Avraham, he found Eliezer, the servant of Avraham, standing at the entrance. Rav Bana’a said to him: What is Avraham doing? Eliezer replied: He is sleeping in the arms of Sarah… He said: Go and tell him that Bana’ah is standing at the entrance. Said Avraham to him: Let him enter; it is well known that there is no passion in this world [i.e. the World-to-Come]. So, he went in, examined the cave, and came out again.[1]

Commenting on this passage, the Nimukei Yosef writes: We see from this story that it is not appropriate for a person to be intimate with his wife in the presence of others.

Based on this passage and commentary, the Rema writes, “There are those who say that one should not act in an affectionate manner in public with one’s wife…[2]”

It is explained that there are two reasons for this. One is out of concern of tzniut, that private acts, such as resting in the arms of one’s spouse (as per the example above), should not be done in public. This includes all acts of a sexual nature. Indeed, a different Talmudic passage teaches that we are not to draw attention of a sexual nature to ourselves in public.[3] The second reason is due to the concern that public displays of affection may cause onlookers to become sexually aroused. This would include acts that are not overly sexual in nature, such as adjusting a spouse’s clothing[4] and holding hands,[5] as even such things are likely to cause onlookers to think of the couple’s intimate relationship and other improper sexual thoughts, a concept known as “hirhurim.”[6]

Parents who see public displays of affection when with their children, especially those of a more sexual nature, should explain to their children (if asked) that such acts are a sign of love and affection between a husband and wife but that we believe that such things are only appropriate in private and not in public.

Other relatives are permitted to show affection in public. For example, it is permitted for a father to kiss his daughter or for a grandmother to kiss her grandson. This is because such displays of affection do not lead onlookers to have sexual thoughts. Nevertheless, some authorities praise those who even refrain from such permitted displays of affection. Contrary to popular misconception, it is not permitted for cousins or other non-immediate relatives to hug or kiss one another,[7] and some authorities even restrict displays of affection between brother and sister.[8]

[1] Bava Batra 58a.

[2] Rema, EH 21:5.

[3] Shabbat 62b.

[4] Asher Chanan 1:87.

[5] Rav Yehuda Henkin famously permits married couples to hold hands in public (when the woman is not a nidda). He claims that holding hands is not considered to be a display of affection. See Bnei Banim 1:37, 4:12. Needless to say, the vast majority of rabbis (and anthropologists) disagree.

[6] Taz, EH 21:1; Beit Shmuel, EH 21:12; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 152:11. It is interesting to note that the Rambam writes that a husband and wife should even limit the amount they speak to each other in public. Rambam, Hilchot Deot 5:13.

[7] Igrot Moshe, YD 2:137; Chochmat Adam 135:1

[8] EH 21:7; Igrot Moshe, YD 2:137.