Wayward Children

And the child grew and was weaned. Avraham made a great celebration on the day Yitzchak was weaned.  And Sarah observed the son that Hagar, the Egyptian, had birthed to Avraham mocking.  (Sefer Beresheit 21:8-9)

 I. The party for Yitzchak

Much of Parshat VaYeira deals with Yitzchak.  The parasha describes a party Avraham made when Yitzchak was weaned.  Sarah observe Yishmael – Avraham’s older son – behaving in an objectionable manner.  The Torah does not indicate the exact behavior; the Sages and commentators offer a number of interpretations.  Some of these are quoted by Rashi.  Most of the interpretations can be divided into two general categories.  One possibility is that he was engaged in sinful behaviors – including violence and sexual indulgence.  The other possibility is that he challenged Yitzchak’s status as Avraham’s primary heir.[1]

II. The problem with Yishmael.

These interpretations reflect two concerns that were very important to Avraham and Sarah.    The first interpretation reflects a worry shared by all parents. Parents are responsible to control the influences upon their children.  This responsibility informs the friendships parents encourage or discourage, the school they select, and the amount and type of exposure to media that parents allow.  Sarah assessed Yishmael as a dangerous influence.  She observed his captivation by inappropriate behaviors and feared that Yishmael would encourage the same fascination in her son.

The second interpretation suggests a concern with which most parents do not need to deal.  Sarah and Avraham knew that Yitzchak – not Yishmael – was Avraham’s spiritual heir.[2]  Sarah understood that Yismael did not accept this and that he was determined to claim the status of heir. She and Avraham were responsible to fulfill the will of Hashem.  They could not permit Yishmael to interfere with Yitzchak achieving his destiny.[3]

And she said to Avraham, “Send out this maidservant and her son for he will not inherit with my son, with Yitzchak.”  (Sefer Beresheit 21:10)

III. Sarah’s advice.

This dispute over Sarah’s motivation presents two problems.  The first is found in the above passage.  Sarah explains her position.  She explains that Yishmael and his mother should be sent away because he is not Avraham’s heir.  Why do some Sages and commentators propose that Sarah was protecting Yitzchak from Yishmael’s influence?  She clearly explains that this is not her motivation!

The second question is fundamental.  Sarah advises Avraham to send away Yishmael and his mother.  Was this reasonable advice?  If Yishmael contested Yitzchak’s status as heir and sought to undermine it, then this advice is harsh but judicious.  Sarah was advising Avraham to make a very compelling statement.  Dismissing Yishmael and his mother, Hagar, from his household would clearly communicate that Yitzchak, not Yishmael, is his true heir.  However, if Sarah’s concern was over Yishmael’s influence over Yitzchak, why was it proper for her to prioritize the welfare of her child above Yishmael’s?

Both of these questions appear to have a single answer.  If Sarah believed that Yishmael was a harmful influence, then in the above passage she was not expressing the motivation for her advice.  She was arguing its justification.  Avraham had two sons.  Both needed and benefited from their closeness to their father, Avraham.  Both were best-served as members of his household.  Sarah knew she must justify to Avraham her advice to prioritize Yitzchak’s welfare over Yishmael’s.  Her justification is presented in the above passage.  “Yitzchak is your spiritual heir.  He must be nurtured.  You cannot allow him to be exposed to his brother’s corrosive influence!”

And the matter was very bad in Avraham’s eyes because of his son.  (Sefer Beresheit 21:11)

IV. Avraham’s response

Sarah argued that Yishmael was not Avraham’s heir.  He and his mother should be removed from the household.  She was concerned with Yishmael’s influence upon Yitzchak or she recognized that he contested Yitzchak’s status as heir.  Sarah’s motive was justified and her argument sound.  How did Avraham respond?  In the above passage, Avraham resists Sarah’s suggestion.  He is unwilling to part with Yishmael.  Why did he hesitate?

Ramban – Nachmaides – suggests that Avraham feared for Yishmael’s safety.  Sarah had convinced him of the validity of her concerns, but he had reservations about her solution.  Sending away Yishmael and his mother from his home would expose them to danger.[4]

Sarah and Avraham had different perspectives.  They agreed that Yitzchak’s welfare or status was a priority.  Sarah maintained that this consideration justified taking action that might place Yishmael in danger.  Avraham’s position was that this consideration must dictate his relationships with his sons.  He must prioritize Yitzchak, but he must be a responsible father to both sons.  Sending away Yishmael was more than prioritizing Yitzchak in his interactions with his sons; it was an abandonment of his paternal responsibilities toward Yishmael.

And the L-rd said to Avraham, “Let it not be bad in your eyes on account of the child and your maidservant.  [In] all that Sarah says to you, heed her voice for your seed will be identified in Yitzchak.  Also, the son of the maidservant I will make a nation, for he is your seed.”  (Sefer Bersheit 21:12-13)

V. Hashem intervenes

Sarah and Avraham reached an impasse.  They shared the view that Yishmael’s behavior or attitude posed a problem.  They could not agree on a solution.  In the above passage, Hashem instructs Avraham to follow Sarah’s counsel.  Yitzchak will be his heir and his welfare must be prioritized.  Then, Hashem adds that Yishmael will be the progenitor of a nation.

Was Hashem siding with Sarah?  Ramban suggests that He was not endorsing Sarah’s position.  Hashem told Avraham that Yitzchak must be prioritized and that he should accept Sarah’s advice.  However, he added that Yishmael’s descendants will also be a nation.  Why did Hashem provide this information?  This was a response to Avraham’s concern.  Avraham believed that he must be faithful to his role as Yishmael’s father.  He would not expose him to danger.  Hashem responded to this concern.  Yishmael will be fine.  He will have many descendants who will form a nation.[5]

VI. A contradiction

Avraham obeyed Hashem and sent away Yishmael and his mother.  He protected the welfare of his son Yitzchak and had Hashem’s assurance that Yishmael would not be harmed.  However, when Hashem’s response is considered carefully, it seems self-contradictory.  Hashem confirms Sarah’s contention.  Yitzchak will be Avraham’s heir.  He will be the progenitor of Avraham’s nation.  Yishmael will also produce a nation.  If Yitzchak is the heir and the father of Avraham’s nation, why will Yishmael also merit to produce a nation?

Ramban notes that the above passage refers to both Yitzchak and Yishmael as Avraham’s seed.  Avraham’s seed will be identified or derived exclusively from Yitzchak.  This means that the nation of Avraham will be produced through only Yitzchak.  But Yishmael’s descendants will form a nation because he too is Avraham’s seed.  Ramban explains the passage and answers our question with an enigmatic comment.  He writes:

“Because Avraham feared for him that no harm should occur to him through his sending him away from him He said that He would make him into a nation and bless him because he is –in truth – his descendant.”[6]

Hashem told Avraham that his sole heir – his true seed and descendant – is Yitzchak.  Yet, Yishmael will be blessed because he too is Avraham’s true seed and descendant.  How is it possible to declare that Yitzhak is Avraham’s sole, true seed and descendant and also describe Yishmael as Avraham’s true seed and descendant?

VII.  Avraham and providence

Ramban’s comments provides an important insight into Hashem’s providential relationship with Avraham.  Hashem blessed Avraham; He protected him.  He granted him offspring.  What was Hashem’s objective in infusing Avraham’s life with His influence?  Was Hashem rewarding Avraham’s righteousness or did He have a greater purpose?

In general, Hashem’s relationship with Avraham reflected His plan for humanity.  Hashem wished to establish a nation that would serve Him and be a model for the other nations.  Avraham discovered Hashem in a pagan world.  He taught others to serve only Hashem.  Hashem responded to Avraham’s righteousness by selecting him to be the progenitor of the nation He envisioned.  Hashem rewarded Avraham’s righteousness and pursued a greater purpose.  Avraham’s reward for his commitment to Hashem was to be the father of a nation that would be dedicated to Hashem’s service.

Hashem gave Avraham a son from Sarah – Yitzchak – as a step in the implementation of His plan for humanity.  Yishmael was not part of this plan.  He would not be one of the patriarchs of Hashem’s nation or participate in it.  Why, then, will Yishmael be blessed and why will his descendants form a nation?

Ramban’s insight is that Hashem’s relationship with Avraham extended beyond selecting him to be the father of His nation.  He rewarded Avraham in other ways.  He blessed Yishmael.  Yishmael was not blessed as part of Hashem’s plan for humanity.  He received Hashem’s blessing as a kindness bestowed upon Avraham.

In other words, the passage and also Ramban’s comments reflect two aspects of Hashem’s relationship with Avraham.  Hashem selected him to be the first patriarch of His nation.  In this framework, Avraham had a single heir – Yitzchak.  Yishmael’s descendants would have no claim to being Avraham’s spiritual seed or descendants.  Hashem also blessed Avraham in response to his righteousness.  This blessing extended beyond selecting him to be a crucial player in the Divine plan for humanity.  This blessing extended to Avraham’s offspring.  Avraham regarded Yishmael as this offspring and the blessing included Yishmael.

VIII.  The wayward son

An interesting message is suggested by Ramban’s analysis of this incident.  How do we respond to children who abandon observance?  They will not carry-on many of our people’s most important values.  Should we dismiss them from our families?  Do we have an obligation to care for and love wayward children?

Avraham understood Yishmael’s shortcomings.  He knew he would not be part of the great nation that Hashem would form from his descendants.  Nonetheless, he would not abandon him.  Hashem did not correct Avraham for this position.  He did not tell Avraham that he was mistaken in his attitude toward Yishmael.  He induced Avraham to send away Yishmael by assuring him that he would not come to harm.  He told Avraham that his love and concern for Yishmael was not misguided.  Hashem would protect Yishmael and bless him.

This suggests that we are responsible to continue to care for our children who abandon observance.  This is not an easy task.  We cannot condone or encourage violation of the Torah’s mitzvot and values.  Neither may we dismiss our children and simply eject them from our lives.  We must balance our unequivocal commitment to the Torah with our duties and responsibilities as parents.  Those who follow Avraham’s example will find this balance, care for these children, and continue to carry-out their duties as parents.

[1] Rabbaynu Shlomo ben Yitzchak (Rashi), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 21:9.

[2] Sefer Beresheit 17:19-21.

[3] According to Rashi 21:9, Yishmael was willing to even kill Yitzchak to prevent him from being Avraham’s heir.

[4] Rabbaynu Moshe ben Nachman (Ramban / Nachmanides), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 21:11.

[5] Rabbaynu Moshe ben Nachman (Ramban / Nachmanides), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 21:11.

[6] Rabbaynu Moshe ben Nachman (Ramban / Nachmanides), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 21:11.