El Maleh Rachamim & Yizkor

There are a number of occasions in the Jewish lifecycle where we mention or pray for the souls of our departed loved ones. We are taught that prayers and good deeds which are performed in honor of the dead have beneficial results for their souls in Heaven.[1] It is noted that one who wishes to accumulate merits for the souls of one's departed parents should be sure to follow in their upright ways and continue the acts of kindness that they themselves performed in this world.[2] King David regularly prayed for the soul of his son Avshalom after the latter had died.[3] Distributing charity is said to be an especially effective method to bring merit to the deceased.[4]

It is customary to recite the "el maleh rachamim" prayer in memory of those departed on the day of their yartzeit, sometime during the course of the Torah reading. Others recite this prayer (or have the rabbi or cantor recite it on their behalf) on the Shabbat prior to the yartzeit, especially if the Torah will not be read on the actual day of the yartzeit.[5] It is interesting to note that there is a special prayer called the "av harachamim" prayer that is recited every Shabbat morning in memory of all the Jews who have been murdered and martyred throughout the ages. The "yizkor" prayer which also recalls the departed is recited on Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, and Yom Kippur. When reciting the el maleh rachamim and yizkor, one should have in mind to donate money to charity on behalf of the deceased. This money should then be distributed promptly after the holiday.

There exists a custom in some communities not to recite prayers for the souls of minors who have passed away, as such individuals were never guilty of sin. Most people, however, observe all the mourning rites and customs for minors just like all others.[6] Some individuals have the custom not to recite the el maleh rachamim or even yizkor during the first year in which someone had passed away. There is also a variation of this custom for those who are in their first year of mourning not to recite yizkor but to remain in the synagogue while it is recited by others.[7]

Common custom is not like the views mentioned above and in most communities these prayers are recited at every opportunity, even following a very recent passing.[8] Common Ashkenazi custom is to mention the name of the deceased along with their father's name[9] when reciting memorial prayers while most Sefardim mention the deceased's mother's name in such prayers. One should not increase in the recitation of memorial prayers more than necessary in accordance with existing customs.[10]

It is customary among Ashkenazi communities for those who have no need to recite the yizkor prayer to leave the synagogue sanctuary when it is recited, returning to the sanctuary once it is completed.[11] There are a number of reasons cited for this custom. It may have been instituted in order that children, and others not reciting yizkor, not be forced to witness the extensive crying and wailing which was commonplace during the yizkor service. Some suggest that the custom evolved in order that one not accidentally recite yizkor for parents who are still alive, as doing so would arouse the ayin hara.[12] There is even an opinion that the reason those who do not recite yizkor leave the synagogue is in order to make room for the many souls which descend to join the congregation as yizkor is being recited! The custom of leaving the synagogue during yizkor is not practiced in Sefardic congregations.[13]

[1] Sifri;Parshat Shoftim

[2] Chassidim 1171

[3] Sota 10b

[4] Rokeach 217

[5] O.C. 284:7

[6] Gesher Hachaim Vol. 1 p. 338

[7] Minhag Yisrael Torah 621:6

[8] Shaarei Halacha U'minhag Vol. 3 p. 383

[9] Sefer Chassidim 242

[10] Aseh Lecha Rav 6:67

[11] Minhag Yisrael Torah 621:6

[12] Ta'amei Haminhagim;Pesach 589

[13] Aseh Lecha Rav 2:34