Visiting a Parent's Grave
It is customary for to visit a parent's grave at least once a year, and most people do so on the yartzeit. While the source for this annual pilgrimage is not completely clear,[1] it is the prevalent custom today.[2] There is a widespread misconception that one who has not visited a parent's grave in seven or more years is no longer permitted to ever visit again.[3] While this idea is noted in some eminent sources,[4] most halachic authorities reject the argument that one who did not visit a parent's grave within a certain period of time is no longer permitted to do so, claiming that it is essentially a rumor with no authentic source.[5] Indeed, the Zohar records an incident where a son visited a father's grave after an absence of twelve years at which time the father's soul was said to have received great pleasure and appreciated the visit.[6]
Although the source for this idea may be without any solid basis, there have been great rabbis who were known for sternly rebuking those who were negligent with visiting a parent's grave at appropriate intervals.[7] Other authorities suggest that one who has not visited a parent's grave in many years should take along a minyan to the grave in order to publicly request forgiveness for not having visited. Thereafter, one may continue to visit without hesitation.[8] The authorities differentiate between one who did not visit due to laziness and one who was unable to visit for legitimate reasons.[9] One may also send an emissary from time to time to visit a parent's grave on one's behalf which is considered as if one had visited oneself.[10] This option is especially useful for those who live far away from where one's parents are buried.
It is taught that the soul of the departed descends to its burial place every year on the day of the yartzeit. A soul which perceives that no one has come to visit the grave in quite a few years will cease to descend. However, as long as the grave is at least occasionally visited, even if not by the children of the deceased, the soul will continue to descend each year on the yartzeit.[11]
Further support that visitations to a parent's grave are not subject to a specific frequency may be derived from Yaakov who intentionally buried Rachel along the road to Bethlehem.[12] He did this in order that centuries later when the Jews would be exiled from Israel they would be able to stop and pray at her grave on their way out.[13] Similarly, Kalev went to pray at the grave of our forefather Avraham even though no Jews had gone to visit for hundreds of years prior.[14] As with most things in Judaism whose sources are ambiguous, simply following one's common sense with proper intentions will usually ensure that one is behaving in good taste.
[1] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 199:17, Rashi;Yevamot 122a
[2] Kav Hayashar 71
[3] Divrei Shaul Y.D. 355
[4] Ta'amei Haminhagim, cited in Tirosh V'yitzhar 146:2
[5] Divrei Shaul Y.D. 355, Hitorerut Teshuva Y.D. 187, She'arim Metzuyanim B'halacha 128 note 22
[6] Cited in Shem M'shimon O.C. 4
[7] Tirosh V'yitzhar 146:3
[8] Tirosh V'yitzhar 146:1
[9] Tirosh V'yitzhar 146:6, Afarkasta D'anya 1:168
[10] Tirosh V'yitzhar 146:4
[11] Afarkasta D'anya 1:188
[12] See Igrot Moshe Y.D. 2:162
[13] Rashi;Bereishit 48:7
[14] Bamidbar 13:22;Rashi