Tombstones
Erecting a tombstone or monument on top of every grave is actually a Jewish custom. The practice most likely originated with Yaakov Avinu who erected a monument upon the grave of his wife, Rachel.[1] Some suggest that God Himself instructed Yaakov to erect a monument on Rachel's grave.[2] In fact, it is interesting to note that some authorities argue that the requirement to place a monument on a Jewish grave is actually a Torah obligation. [3] According to other authorities, it is has the status of a rabbinic enactment.[4] Either way, a tombstone is halachically required.[5] In Talmudic literature a tombstone is referred to as a "nefesh," a soul, which further testifies to the importance of having one.[6] In Scripture a tombstone is often referred to as the "tzion," meaning "marker" or "monument."[7]
One is to factor in the cost of a tombstone when budgeting or dividing the expenses related to a death.[8] The funding for all death related expenses must be provided by those who inherit the estate of the deceased, whether from their own money or the inheritance money.[9] In the event that a family cannot afford to purchase a tombstone, it must be taken care of with communal funds.[10] The monument need not be too large nor should it be too small, rather, it should be of a size which quickly and clearly identifies the site as a grave.[11] No one is permitted to refuse a tombstone of some sort upon their grave and any such requests must be ignored.[12]
There are a number of reasons why a tombstone is placed upon a grave. Most importantly, it informs visitors who is buried there and allows them to properly pay their respects and offer prayers.[13] It is also serves to warn Kohanim that there is a dead person buried in the area in order for them to keep away.[14] We are taught that the soul of the deceased receives pleasure by having a monument erected upon its grave.[15] When visiting a grave, it is customary to touch the tombstone with one's left hand,[16] and one should place a stone upon it before leaving which serves to show that someone had come to pay their respects.[17] One should not exhume a body if the only purpose for doing so is in order to properly identify the deceased in preparation for a tombstone,[18] though some authorities allow exhuming for even this purpose.[19]
According to most authorities a monument should only be erected upon an actual grave, and not at other venues. This is true even if one's intention is for memorial purposes. As such, some authorities frown on the practice of erecting a monument in a public area for victims of the Holocaust, and the like,[20] though common custom does not follow this view.[21] A sad situation was once brought to the attention of Rabbi David Tzvi Hoffman by a man whose son had died during the course of a long sea voyage and due to the lack of a space to properly store the body, the crew threw it overboard. The father asked Rabbi Hoffman his opinion on erecting a monument for his son in the local Jewish cemetery even though there would be no grave beneath it. Rabbi Hoffman replied that although there is no inherent prohibition in doing so, it would be of more benefit to the soul of the deceased if charity would be distributed in his memory, particularly to an institution of Torah study, rather than spending the money on a monument.[22] Rabbi Moshe Feinstein rules similarly.[23]
Some authorities suggest that a tombstone be erected soon after the shiva period.[24] This is especially true according to kabbala which teaches that the soul has no "residence" in this world until a tombstone is erected.[25] There is a somewhat widespread custom, especially in Israel, to unveil the tombstone immediately upon "getting up" from shiva.[26] According to this approach, if for some reason it is not possible to unveil the tombstone at the conclusion of shiva, then it should be done as soon as possible thereafter.[27]
According to other authorities the tombstone should not be erected until a year has passed since the person has died, and this is the widespread custom in the Diaspora.[28] It is explained that the memory of a deceased is fresh in people's mind for a full year following their death. Once a year has passed, however, the memories diminish and erecting the tombstone at that time allows for the memories to be refreshed.[29] Whenever one chooses to erect a tombstone, it is best that the unveiling ceremony not be held within thirty days of a holiday.[30]
In some communities the custom is to erect a tombstone which occupies the entire area of the grave, and this is quite widespread in Israel. In most other communities the tombstone is placed either at the head or the foot of the deceased,[31] though the former is to be preferred.[32] All the tombstones in a cemetery should be identically arranged for every person.[33] There should only be one tombstone or monument per person.[34] The practice of decorating a grave with flowers is not of Jewish origin and should be avoided[35]though there are authorities who justify the practice.[36]
There is also a custom to bury the dead with their feet facing the entrance of the cemetery.[37] In other cemeteries the dead are positioned with their feet facing Eretz Yisrael.[38] In both cases the purpose for doing so is to symbolize our belief in the coming of the Mashiach and the resurrection of the dead. In Eretz Yisrael there is no preference for burying the dead facing one direction over another[39] though it is customary to bury the dead facing towards Jerusalem, if possible.
It is permissible to use one tombstone for two people.[40] One is also permitted to prepare one's burial spot,[41] tombstone,[42] and shrouds[43] all in one's lifetime. The tombstone should include the name of the deceased along with his or her father's name and some include the mother's name, as well.[44] Most authorities oppose inscribing a tombstone in English, or even including the secular date of death,[45] though it is certainly not an issue worth fighting over.[46] There was once a custom in the city of Chevron not to inscribe any names on a tombstone.[47] It is forbidden to sit or even lean on a tombstone.[48]
When making the arrangements for a tombstone, one would be well advised to keep in mind the words of the Chafetz Chaim who wrote:
“Some people wish to make an eternal remembrance for the souls of their parents and they do so by building structures of precious marble, engraved with gold lettering and decorations and carvings. They spend excessive amounts of money all in the belief that this will bring peace to the soul of the deceased… It would be better for them to build a less expensive structure and use the extra money to donate a set of Talmud to the synagogue in memory of their parents. So too, they could use the money to establish a free loan society in their memory. This would be of much greater benefit to their souls… The mitzvot children perform after the passing of their parents atones for their parents’ souls.”[49]
[1] Bereishit 35:20
[2] Igrot Moshe Y.D. 4:57:1
[3] Moed Katan 5b
[4] Nidda 57a
[5] Rambam Avel 4:4
[6] Shekalim 2:5, Sefer Chassidim 738
[7] Bereishit 35:19, Melachim II 23:17, Yechezkel 39:15. See Gesher Hachaim 28:1
[8] Shekalim 2:5, E.H. 89:1
[9] Tur Y.D. 348;Beit Yosef, Y.D. 348:2
[10] Tzemach Yehuda 93
[11] Vayeishev Hayam 1:17
[12] Chaim Sha'al 71, Pitchei Teshuva Y.D. 356:1
[13] Rivash 421, Gesher Hachaim 28:1, Yad Yitzchak 3:38
[14] Gesher Hachaim 28:1
[15] Gesher Hachaim 28:1
[16] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 128:13
[17] Gesher Hachaim 29, Ta'amei Haminhagim p.470, Be'er Heitev O.C. 224:8
[18] Nata Sorek Y.D. 105
[19] Chazon Ish Y.D. 208
[20] Minchat Yitzchak 1:29
[21] Marchei Lev (Tzirelson) 42
[22] Melamed L'hoil 2:139. See also: Igrot Moshe Y.D. 4:57
[23] Igrot Moshe Y.D. 4:57:6, 4:57:9-10
[24] Tosfot;Ketubot 5a, Shach Y.D. 375:12, Pele Yoetz;Kevura, Minchat Elazar 3:37, Ketav Sofer Y.D. 178
[25] Shaar Hamitzvot;Veyechi in the name of the Arizal
[26] Gesher Hachaim 28:2, Minchat Yitzchak 4:107, Vayeishev Hayam 1:17
[27] Pele Yoetz;Kevura, Vayeishev Hayam 1:17
[28] Aruch Hashulchan Y.D. 376:1, Elya Rabba 224
[29] Eliya Rabba 224
[30] Levushei Mordechai Y.D. 2:140, Minchat Yitzchak 3:51-52
[31] Kol Bo
[32] Chavatzelet Hasharon Y.D. 1:94. See Minhagei Eretz Yisrael (Gallis) 35:5
[33] Kaneh Bosem 2:103
[34] Igrot Moshe 4:57:2
[35] Yaskil Avdi 4:25, Melamed L'hoil Y.D. 109, Minchat Yitzchak 1:31, Seridei Aish Y.D. 108
[36] Har Tzvi Y.D. 279, Yabia Omer Y.D. 3:24:10, Aseh Lecha Rav 1:44
[37] Minhagei Eretz Yisrael (Gallis) 35:17
[38] Kaneh Bosem 2:103
[39] Pitchei Teshuva Y.D. 362:2, Minhagei Eretz Yisrael (Gallis) 35:17
[40] Levushei Mordechai Y.D. 53, B'tzel Hachachma 4:31
[41] Yaskil Avdi Y.D. 8:32
[42] B'tzel Hachachma 4:31, Sheilat Yitzchak 3:96
[43] Aruch Hashulchan Y.D.339:5
[44] Gesher Hachaim 28:3
[45] Yabia Omer Y.D. 7:32, Tzitz Eliezer 9:14, Chaim Shaal 1:71:6
[46] Kol Bo
[47] Minhagei Eretz Yisrael (Gallis) 35:2
[48] Tur Y.D. 364, Taz Y.D. 364:1, Shach Y.D. 364:3. Regarding walking over a grave see: Taz Y.D. 364:1 and Korban Netanel;Ta'anit 2:3
[49] Ahavat Chesed Chapter 15