The Obligation to Light Shabbos Candles
The obligation to light Shabbos candles rests equally on all members of a household. Nevertheless, our Sages placed the responsibility for the actual lighting upon the wife. One of the reasons given[i] is that candle-lighting atones for Chavah’s part in the sin of the eitz hada’as (Tree of Knowledge): Chavah caused Adam to eat of the forbidden fruit for which Man was punished by losing his immortality. Since Chavah extinguished “the candle of the world,[ii]” it is the woman who remedies Chavah’s misdeed by assuming the obligation of lighting candles for her household.[iii] Consequently:
Even if a husband demands that he light the candles, the wife has the right to prevent him from doing so.[iv] It is recommended, though, that the husband take part in the mitzvah by arranging and setting up the candles, and by lighting and quickly extinguishing the candle wicks, thereby making them easier to light.[v] If candles are lit in other rooms in addition to the eating area,[vi] it is the husband who lights them.[vii]
If a person has no wife, or if he sees that his wife is running late and will be unable to light on time, then he should light the candles with the blessing.[viii]
If one’s wife is not home for Shabbos, it is preferable that the husband himself light candles and not one of the daughters.[ix] If, however, a daughter who is over twelve years old lights for him, he fulfills the mitzvah through her lighting. One cannot, however, fulfill one’s obligation by having a daughter under twelve light candles on one’s behalf.[x]
In the event that a brother and sister are at home without their parents, it is preferable that the sister light the candles.[xi]
Years ago, it was customary for a woman who gave birth not to light candles on the first Friday night after giving birth. For that one Shabbos, candles were lit by the husband.[xii] Several reasons are offered in explanation of this custom, but apparently the main concern was that women were too weak after childbirth to get out of bed and light candles.[xiii] In view of the improved health conditions prevalent nowadays, many Poskim agree that the custom is no longer valid and the wife should light candles as she does every Friday night.[xiv]
Question: In regard to Shabbos candle-lighting, whose customs should a woman follow – her husband’s or her mother’s?
Discussion: There is a general rule that once a woman gets married, she must follow her husband’s customs – both leniencies and stringencies. Marriage signifies a wife’s entrance into her husband’s domain, and that entry obligates her to follow his customs.[xv]
It is possible, though, that Shabbos candle-lighting is an exception to this rule. Many women follow the example set by their mothers in matters of custom, such as the number of candles to light, the appropriate time to light candles on Yom Tov, etc. Often, their husbands do not object even though their own mothers followed a different custom. Plausibly, since our Sages made it the woman’s responsibility to light Shabbos candles, it becomes “her” mitzvah, to be performed in accordance with the custom she observed in her parental home.[xvi] Apparently, it is not incumbent upon the husband to insist that his wife alter the customs which she learned from her mother. Although she may do so if she likes, she is not required to do so.[xvii]
[i] Tur, chapter 263. Shulchan Aruch (263:3) states that the reason is because the women are commonly at home and tend to the needs of the house.
[ii] This is how the Midrash (Tanchuma, Metzora 9) refers to Adam.
[iii] Several Poskim debate the validity of the custom that unmarried girls (over the age of chinuch) light candles with a blessing; see Aruch Hashulchan 263:7; Az Nidberu VI, 67-68; Ashrei Ha’ish, Shabbos 6:4; Yechaveh Da’as II, 32.
[iv] Mishnah Berurah 263, note 11.
[v] Mishnah Berurah 263, note 12; 264, note 28. See Tosafos R’ Akiva Eiger, Shabbos 2:6. [The Chazon Ish, however, is quoted as ruling that nowadays, when the candles are of superior quality, there is no reason to light and extinguish them first; see Dinim Vehanhagos 9:6 and E’eleh Betamar, pg. 17.]
[vi] See Discussion below regarding the obligation to kindle Shabbos lights in other rooms.
[vii] Shulchan Aruch Harav 263:5; Ketzos Hashulchan 74 (Baddei Hashulchan 11). See also Beiur Halachah 263:6 ד"ה בחורים.
[viii] Mishnah Berurah 262, note 11.
[ix] Rav M. Feinstein (cited in The Radiance of Shabbos, pg. 7); Shemiras Shabbos Kehilchasah 43, footnote 46. Cf. Shevus Yitzchak (Dinei Ner Shabbos pg. 140, citing Rav Y.S. Elyashiv) and Chut Shani (IV, pg. 63).
[x] Shemiras Shabbos Kehilchasah 43:7.
[xi] Rav S.Z. Auerbach (cited in Shemiras Shabbos Kehilchasah 45, note 34).
[xii] Mishnah Berurah 263, note 11.
[xiii] See Toras Shabbos 263:4; Hagahos Imrei Baruch 263:6; Tehilah LeDavid 88:3; Cf. Aruch Hashulchan 263:7.
[xiv] Rav M. Feinstein (cited in The Radiance of Shabbos, pg. 7); Rav S.Z. Auerbach (cited in Halichos Bas Yisrael 15:18); Shemiras Shabbos Kehilchasah 43:9.
[xv] Igros Moshe, Orach Chaim I, 158; Even Ha’ezer I, 59; Minchas Yitzchak IV, 83; Rav S.Z. Auerbach (cited in Yom Tov Sheini Kehilchaso, pg. 187).
[xvi] Similarly, see Igros Moshe, Even Ha’ezer II, 12 who rules that a wife need not listen to a husband who holds that a wig is not enough of a hair-covering, since this is “her” mitzvah. See also Igros Moshe, Even Ha’ezer IV, 32:10; IV, 100:4. Further support for this idea might also be found in She’eilas Yaavetz (I, 107), which records that R’ Yaakov Emden did not insist that his wife abandon a custom pertaining to candle-lighting to which he personally objected; see there.
[xvii] According to Rav S.Z. Auerbach (cited in Yom Tov Sheini Kehilchaso, pg. 188; Halichos Shlomo, Tefillah 1, Devar Halachah 7.), a husband may allow his wife to keep her former customs in all cases. For instance, she does not have to change her nusach of davening after her marriage. See also Ashrei Ha’ish, Orach Chaim I, 11:16.