Choosing a Spouse
Although everyone is obligated in the mitzva to "honor one's father and mother",[1] there is no obligation to honor one's parents' wishes when it conflicts with one's choice of whom to marry.[2] A parent has no jurisdiction over their children's decisions in this area. In fact, one is obligated to marry the person of one's choice which is, of course, someone who finds favor in one's eyes.[3] Marrying a person who one finds to be physically unattractive or a person whom one really doesn’t know too well, is actually prohibited. Indeed, one is not obligated to listen to one's parents anytime that it conflicts with another mitzva of the Torah.[4]
It once happened that a terminally ill man instructed his wife not to allow a certain boy to marry their daughter under any circumstances. Soon afterwards the man died and sure enough the daughter and the boy in question turned to the mother in order to receive her blessings to marry. The mother, unsure what to do as a result of her late husband's wishes, sought rabbinical guidance. She was advised to allow her daughter to marry the boy without impeding their plans in any way.[5]
The requirement to honor one's father and mother only applies to those things which could affect them and their lives. One's choice of a marriage partner is a decision which will ordinarily not affect one's parents and how they go about their daily lives. This is especially true when one lives in a different city than one's parents. In the event, however, that such a marriage would directly affect the lives' of one's parents or bring upon them significant embarrassment – one is required to honor their wishes and not marry the individual.[6]
The exemption from having to listen to one's parents regarding whom to marry applies equally to sons and daughters.[7] If, however, the individual that one is interested in marrying is simply unfit for marriage, either physically or spiritually, one is obligated to listen to one's parents if they object to the match.[8] Rabbi Shmuel Wosner writes that he tries to avoid offering advice to young men regarding potential marriage partners when it conflicts with the wishes of the parents. He says that as time progresses, children often realize that their parents are usually right about what is best for them. This is especially true in terms of who they should marry and how it will affect family dynamics. He concedes, however, that in all such situations a person has the right to marry whomever he or she desires even when it conflicts with the parents' wishes.[9]
[1] Shemot 20:12
[2] Rema Y.D. 240:25
[3] Kiddushin 41a
[4] Y.D. 240:15
[5] Machaneh Chaim E.H. 3:32
[6] Meishiv Davar 2:50
[7] Noda B'yehuda E.H. 45, Avnei Tzedek Y.D. 99, Givat Pinchas 99, Aseh Lecha Rav 6:73
[8] Sefer Chassidim 561
[9] Shevet Halevi 2:111:17