Just Be Yourself

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Parents tend to worry about their children getting married way before they become of marriageable age. When they do reach that stage, the worry increases. When years go by in Shiduchim with no results, the situation becomes very painful, both for the parents and the children.

Everybody wants to put themselves in a position to have an easier time with Shiduchim. People work very hard to portray a certain image about themselves- whether it is religiously or financially. Some will send all of their children to a high-level Yeshiva to make it known that their children are bright. Others will find ways to make it known that they have the financial means to provide for their children.

If Hashem did bless people with smart children, or financial success, Baruch Hashem! They do appear to be in a better position in the area of Shiduchim. Yet of course, Hashem does not need people to have a lot of money or to have very talented children to find them their Shiduchim.

If somebody has to struggle to portray an image that he does not really have, he is doing too much Hishtadlut. If a person spends extra money that he does not have on luxuries to make people think that he is wealthy, this is not the effort that Hashem wants. For somebody to send a child to a Yeshiva that is way above the child's level, just for the family image, this is not the Hishtadlut that Hashem wants.

If we are trying to impress people with things that we do not have, and we hurt ourselves as a result, then we are forgetting about the One who is really behind making the Shiduchim. When Hashem decides to bring two people together, He knows how to ensure that they will be happy with each other, no matter what their family backgrounds are.

A woman related that a while back, her husband was having problems with his job. He started looking for something else. Eventually, he was offered a very nice position, but it was halfway across the country. It was a major upheaval for the family to have to relocate after living in the same place for 20 years, but it looked promising.

There was a beautiful community there. They went with the hope of finding a better life. After some time there, however, they realized that things were not working out the way that they had hoped. They were forced to move once again.

Baruch Hashem, they are very happy now in their new community, though their financial struggle is ongoing. Shortly after their second move, their daughter came home from spending a year in Israel. It was time for her to start dating. The parents were a little worried, because, besides for their financial problems, nobody in this new community even knew of them. When people would find out about them, they would obviously be concerned that they were not stable, having moved twice in the past few years.

The woman said that she had been working on her Emunah, and she did her regular Hishtadlut. She called Shadchanim, prayed, and put her trust in Hashem. Just a few months after her daughter came home, her nephew recommended one of his friends as a potential Shiduch. They looked into it and found out that the boy was from the original community that they had lived in! She knew his Rabbi very well. She called to inquire about him. The Rabbi told her right away, "I know why you are calling- to ask about that boy. He called me to ask about you. When I heard it was you, I told him to go ahead with it." The Rabbi continued. "The boy said that he was asked about your daughter last week. Since then, he traveled on a plane to a friend's wedding. It turned out that the wedding was in the first community to which you moved. The boy "happened" to stay by the home of your daughter's former teacher, who gave him a glowing report about her."

They went out, and Baruch Hashem, they got married. The woman said, "We are so happy! This is a top boy from a great family. Hashem is so kind. It seemed so unlikely that we were going to get any type of good boy in our situation, but Hashem worked it out. He put everyone in the right place at the right time, and he sent us the best."

Hashem has many ways of helping us. We need to keep doing our job- praying and making a regular Hishtadlut. We should never feel, however, that we have to hurt ourselves or struggle to pretend to be people that we are not.