The Year of Mourning

Richard B. Aiken

Year-of-Mourning: Time Period

Mourner Period When Shiv'a or Shloshim Are Shortened

Someone who is mourning for parents is still a mourner for the entire year even if shiv'a and shloshim are truncated.

Year-of-Mourning: Practices

Marrying

Remarrying after a Wife Dies

If a wife dies, the husband must wait for three Jewish festival holidays to pass before remarrying (Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur do not count for this purpose).

Remarrying after a Husband Dies

If a husband dies, the wife may remarry after 92 days have passed.

Mourners Leading a Minyan

The dead person benefits if his/her son or sons lead public prayer services, whether during shloshim or the entire year (11 or 12 months). However, if the mourner is uncomfortable leading the minyan or is not a good reader or will be embarrassed, he should not feel obligated to do so.

A mourner does not lead a minyan on:

  • Shabbat;
  • Jewish Festivals (including chol ha'moed);
  • Purim;
  • Rosh Chodesh.

Opinions differ concerning Chanuka, so follow your local custom.

Public Festivities for Mourner for Parent

A mourner may not generally enter a hall of joyous celebration and may not eat at any public meal. During the year of mourning for parents, you may not join any public festivities (even if it is not a simcha) that have a meal, including any meals celebrating a mitzva (se'udat mitzva) such as for a brit mila, wedding, or redemption of a son (pidyon ha'ben). After 30 days, you may attend a bar mitzva or a siyum meal, since a bar mitzva is similar to a siyum since the child's parent's commandment to educate his/her child in Jewish education has been completed.

Exception: A mourner whose child is getting married, does attend the wedding and does eat at the meal with everyone else, even if mourning for a parent. He or she does not need to leave the room when music is being played. To attend the wedding of anyone other than one's child, regardless of who died, a mourner must eat alone and outside the main dining area.

Note: An intervening Jewish festival partially truncates the 30 days of mourning and so you may attend a bar mitzva or siyum even before the end of 30 days.

Note: If you work at weddings (caterer, musician, etc.), you may attend weddings even before 30 days are up, but you may not join the meal.

Public Festivities for Mourner for Non-Parent

A mourner for the five categories of people other than parents (spouse; son; daughter; brother; sister) may join any celebrations, including the meals, after 30 days (and if any Jewish festivals intervene, that 30-day period is truncated).

SheHecheyanu

A mourner (avel) is permitted to say she'hecheyanu for himself but should not say she'hecheyanu if required for the congregation.  An avel should say she'hecheyanu on:

  • Eating a “new” fruit.
  • Wearing a new garment.
  • Lighting Chanuka candles at home for the first time that year.

An avel should not do the following, since he should not say she'hecheyanu unless it is necessary:

  • Light Chanuka candles in synagogue.
  • Read the megila.
  • Blow shofar on Rosh Hashana.

Synagogue Seat When Mourning for Parent

Change your normal seat in synagogue during the year of mourning for a parent. (The rabbi is not required to change seats). You should move to a seat further away from the aron hakodesh then your previous seat (since seats further from the aron are considered to be less prestigious than those close to the aron).

Reason: This is to show humility and that we feel subdued due to the death.

Tombstones and Graves

When To Set Up Tombstone

Set up a tombstone on the grave any time after the burial but within 12 Jewish months of burial.

What To Have Engraved on Tombstone

Put the dead person's name on the tombstone. Anything aside from the name is optional.

Tombstone if Hebrew Name Unknown

Use the person's secular name in any language if the Hebrew name is unknown.

Graves: Photographs

Taking photos of graves is OK. (This is common at the Jewish cemetery in Prague.)

Graves: Visiting

There is not any mitzva or halacha to visit graves of any person, not even tzadikim and not even parents.

Graves: Stepping on

Do not step on graves.

Graves: Leaving Stone

When you visit a grave, it is customary to leave a small stone on the tombstone.

Copyright 2015 Richard B. Aiken. Halacha L’Maaseh appears courtesy of www.practicalhalacha.com Visit their web site for more information.

This material is provided for informational purposes only – not a substitute for the consultation of a competent rabbi.