66. A Scholar's Propriety

Deios 5:4

While a man is permitted to have marital relations with his wife at any time, it is appropriate for a Torah scholar to act with holiness and show restraint. A scholar should have relations just once a week, assuming he is physically able. He should not approach his wife at the start of the night, right after eating, nor at the end of the night, when he is hungry. He should approach her in the middle of the night, after his food has been digested.

The scholar should not behave foolishly, nor should he pollute his mouth with words of nonsense, even in private conversation with his wife. Amos 4:13 tells us, “He repeats to a man what he has said.” The Sages explained that we must give an accounting even for the casual conversation that one has with his wife.

When engaging in relations, the couple should not be drunk, apathetic, or uptight - not even just one of them. The wife should not be asleep and the husband may not have relations with her by force against her will. Marital relations require mutual consent and joy. The husband should chat with the wife a little to help her relax. He should engage in relations modestly, not brazenly, and withdraw as soon as he has finished.

Deios 5:5

One who acts in this manner sanctifies his soul, purifies himself and improves his character. Not only that, if he has children, they will be good-looking, modest, and deserving of wisdom and piety. However, if one acts like those who walk in darkness, he will have children like those people.