A Brit: No Invitations Please

The Talmud teaches that one who does not attend a simcha that one was invited to, such as a brit,[1] deserves to be excommunicated.[2] As such, there is a popular custom, especially regarding a brit, not to "invite" people to a simcha. Rather, one merely “informs” friends, family, and other “invitees” where and when a brit will take place.[3]In this way, those who for whatever reason are unable to attend will not be subject to the excommunication mentioned above, as they weren’t truly "invited."[4] One who is invited to attend two simchas being held at the same time should attend the simcha that one was invited to –or “informed of”- first.[5]

There are some exceptions to this rule, however, and there are situations where it is justifiable not to attend a simcha, even if one was formally invited. For example, one is not obligated to renege on previous commitments, even simple social ones, in order to attend a brit.[6] So too, there is no requirement to remain for the seuda, the festive meal that follows a brit, if some of the other guests are of questionable character.[7] A Torah scholar is permitted to decline an invitation to a brit or other seudat mitzva if it will interfere with his studies.[8]

There are also those who argue that the penalty of "excommunication" for not attending a brit that one was invited to is not to be taken literally, but rather, it is simply intended to convey the importance of participating in a brit.[9] It might also be that the penalty of excommunication was only decreed upon one who attends the brit ceremony and refuses to remain for the meal for no good reason.[10] According to this approach, those who simply did not attend in the first place would not be subject to the ban.[11] A number of authorities argue that the notion of “not inviting” people to a brit is of limited relevance and significance nowadays.[12]

One who must be at work at a set time each day is not required to attend a brit should it interfere with such commitments.[13] Similarly, one is not required to forgo a profitable business venture in order to attend a brit, and one certainly need not suffer a financial loss in order to do so.[14] There is also an opinion that the requirement to attend a brit mila, if invited, only applies if there is a concern that there may not be a minyan without one’s presence. If, however, it is certain that there will be a minyan without one's presence, then there is no obligation to attend.[15] One is not required to attend a brit or other seudat mitzva if one suspects that one was invited only as a courtesy, friendly gesture, or the result of some type of social obligation on the part of the host.[16] Some say that the ban doesn’t apply to weddings at all.[17]

There is much discussion as to what is considered an "invitation" from the perspective of halacha. According to some authorities, sending an invitation in the mail is not considered to be an invitation from the perspective of halacha. According to this approach, one who receives an invitation in the mail for a wedding or brit would not be obligated to attend.[18] The same dispute exists regarding telephone invitations. There is also a view that there is no obligation to attend an event unless one is invited twice.[19]

There were a number of sages throughout the ages who refrained from eating at a brit that was held on a Friday, due to the requirement that one have a hearty appetite for the Shabbat evening meal. It is explained that the requirement to attend or partake in a brit mila that one is invited to is a rabbinical enactment, while the requirement to honor Shabbat with a hearty appetite may be a biblical one.[20] On the other hand, it is said in the name of Rav Moshe Feinstein that one discharges the obligation to eat at a seudat mitzvah by partaking of anything at the meal, or even at the reception. One is not truly required to eat bread or stay for the whole meal.[21] Finally, it is interesting to note that there is no true obligation to serve a meal following a brit; it is merely “a custom.”[22]

[1] Rav Moshe Feinstein differentiated between the importance of attending a brit and that of attending a wedding. He explains that attending a brit is of far greater importance, as one's presence at a brit shows honor for the mitzva of brit mila and also enhances the father's experience as he performs this mitzva. As such, refusing to attend a brit shows a lack of consideration for both the mitzva of Brit Mila, as well as for the father. On the other hand, there is no inherent mitzva to attend a wedding. One does so solely for the opportunity to perform the mitzva of “rejoicing with a bride and groom” on their wedding day. See Igrot Moshe, OC 2:95. Other authorities, however, insist that the obligation to participate when invited applies to any simcha or seudat mitzva. See Chupat Chatanim, Seudat Nisuin.

[2] Pesachim 113b, Rashbam; Minhag Yisrael Torah, EH p.73.

[3] Rema, YD 265:12; Pitchei Teshuva, YD 265:18.

[4] Aruch Hashulchan, YD 265:37.

[5] Shraga Hameir 5:89.

[6] Chelkat Yaakov, OC 24.

[7] Rema, YD 265:12; Tashbetz 1:144; Yabia Omer, YD 4:19. When the Chazon Ish was asked for the definition of questionable character, he gave three answers: one who is not careful to perform netilat yadayim, one who does not ensure basic hygiene, and one who does not concentrate when reciting the shemoneh esrei. Cited in Hegyonei Haparasha, Lech Lecha.

[8] Yabia Omer, YD 4:19:8.

[9] Yafeh L'lev 265:21; Divrei Yatziv, YD 2:163.

[10] Divrei Yatziv, YD 2:163; Teshuvot V'hanhagot 2:649, 3:294.

[11] See Sefer Hazichronot (Rav Tzadok) p. 29. See also Birurei Chaim 3:27 for much more on this issue.

[12] See Aruch Hashulchan, YD 265:37.

[13] Brit Avot 13:11.

[14] Birurei Chaim 3:27.

[15] Kaf Hachaim, OC 170:71; Yaffe L'lev 265:21.

[16] Orchot Yosher 20; Birurei Chaim 3:27.

[17] Igrot Moshe, OC 2:95; Yismach Lev 50.

[18] Netei Gavriel, Nisuin page 90; Shulchan Ha’ezer vol.2 page 68.

[19] Yaavetz, Migdal Oz, Nachal Asiri.

[20] Shaarei Teshuva, OC 551:16.

[21] Sefer Habrit 165:161.

[22] YD 265:12. See also Shaarei Teshuva OC 551:33