Assertive Parenting
These are the events of the life of Yaakov. Yosef was seventeen years old. He shepherded sheep with his brothers. He was a youngster along with the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah – his father’s wives. And Yosef brought ill-reports about them to his father. Yisrael loved Yosef from among all his sons for he was for him the son of his old age. And he made for him a special cloak. His brothers saw that their father loved him from among all of his brothers and they hated him. And they could not speak peaceably to him. (Sefer Beresheit 37:2-4)
- The roots of conflict
These passages introduce the troubled relationship between Yosef and his brothers. The brothers’ suspicion and hatred for Yosef eventually led them to contemplate his murder. They reject fratricide but they do sell their brother into bondage in Egypt.
The Torah discusses the roots of the conflict between Yosef and his brothers. The above passages are followed by further narrative devoted to the theme. However despite the Torah’s relatively extensive treatment of the issue, its message is not clear and the content of the Torah’s message is disputed by the commentaries.
In the above passage, two factors are identified that led to the brothers’ resentment of Yosef. The first factor identified is that Yosef provided his father with reports of his brothers’ misdeeds. The second factor that the passages identify is that Yaakov preferred Yosef and demonstrated this preference to his children. He even gave Yosef a special garment that represented to the brothers his special status.
And it was that when Yosef came to his brothers they stripped him of his cloak – of the special clock that was upon him. (Sefer Beresheit 37:23)
- The Sages’ assessment of Yaakov’s parenting
Our Sages are critical of Yaakov’s behavior. They comment that a parent should not demonstrate preference for one child from among the children of the family. They adduce this incident as proof of their lesson. They observe that because Yaakov demonstrated his preference for Yosef the brothers were incited against Yosef and they sold him into bondage. Through his actions, Yaakov precipitated the bondage of Bnai Yisrael in Egypt.[1] This comment of the Sages provides insight into the above passage.
In order to fully appreciate the significance of the above passage, it is necessary to consider its context. The Torah explains that Yosef’s brothers were shepherding the flocks of their father in the vicinity of Shechem. Yaakov sent Yosef to Shechem to check on the brothers. Yosef embarks on his mission. He locates his brothers. The brothers observe Yosef approaching and decide that they must do away with him. At first, they decide that they will kill him. Eventually, they revise their plan and sell him into bondage.
The above passage describes the actions that they took when Yosef arrived. They stripped Yosef of his cloak. After stripping him of this garment, they threw him into an empty pit. Why did the brothers strip Yosef of his cloak and why does the Torah take note of this measure?
- The role of Yosef’s special cloak in his family’s tragedy
One explanation that is suggested by Rashbam is that they planned to use this cloak to conceal their action against Yosef. They dipped the cloak into the blood of a slaughtered goat and sent it to their father. The messenger who brought the cloak to Yaakov reported that the brothers had discovered this cloak and suspected it was Yosef’s. They were now sending it to their father to confirm that it was in fact the cloak of their brother Yosef. Yaakov recognized the cloak and concluded that Yosef was the victim of a mauling.[2]
However, RaDaK and others explain that the passage has another message. The brothers gave special attention to the cloak. It represented the source of their animosity toward Yosef.[3] It symbolized the preference of their father toward Yosef. Their passion was expressed in stripping from Yosef this special garment.
According to RaDaK, the passage communicates that Yaakov’s preference for Yosef played a major role in shaping the brothers’ attitude toward Yosef. It seems that the brothers’ attitude toward Yosef was a predictable outcome of Yaakov’s preferential treatment. Why did Yaakov demonstrate this preference? Did he not realize that he was encouraging strife among his children?
- The brothers’ perceptions of Yaakov’s intentions
The above passage provides a hint to Yaakov’s reasoning. The passage is a little odd. It explains that the brothers stripped Yosef of his cloak – his special cloak. In other words, the passage first describes the brother’s action in general terms – they stripped Yosef of his cloak. Then, the passage provides more detail – the cloak was the special cloak he had received from his father. Why doesn’t the passage more simply state that the brothers stripped him of his special cloak? Why does it first describe the action in general terms and then add detail?
Netziv suggests that Yosef’s cloak was perceived by the brothers to have two functions. First, it was a garment of distinction. It was intended to elevate and bestow distinction upon Yosef. Throughout TaNaCh special cloaks are provided to individuals of distinction. For example a kohen – priest – has a special cloak that is his garment of distinction. Second, as noted, the garment represented to the brothers, Yaakov’s special love for Yosef.[4]
The brothers perceived the cloak as communicating two messages. First, it communicated to them that Yaakov had appointed Yosef to a special position of distinction within the family. Second, it represented his special love for Yosef. In stripping Yosef of his special cloak, the brothers were rejecting both of these messages. They were protesting the position of distinction that they believed had been assigned to Yosef. They were objecting to Yaakov’s preferential love for Yosef.
- Yaakov follows Yitzchak’s example
According to Chizkuni, the brothers had a very compelling reason to suspect that Yaakov was appointing Yosef to a special position within the family. They were aware of the blessings that their grandfather Yitzchak had intended to bestow upon Esav. Yitzchak believed he was blessing Esav when he appointed him as sovereign over Yaakov. Yitzchak had believed that his children would best be served by assigning to one of them a position of authority over his brother.[5] Yaakov’s sons feared that their father had learned this lesson from his father and that he too envisioned the same family design.
It seems that this does provide an explanation for Yaakov’s behavior. He did give Yosef a special cloak. He may not have intended this gift to communicate a preferential love for Yosef. However, he certainly must have appreciated that it was a garment of distinction and that this cloak elevated Yosef above his brothers. Apparently, Yaakov was not disturbed by this message. He intended to communicate this message. The brothers’ suspicion that Yaakov was following the path of Yitzchak and appointing one brother over the others seems to be well founded. Their suspicion provides a comprehensive explanation for Yaakov’s actions.
This raises a new question. Why did Yaakov’s plan fail? Why did he not succeed in installing Yosef into a special position?
- The power of famiy dynamics
Chizkuni offers a comment that may answer this question. The opening passages of the parasha that are quoted above identify two sources of the brothers’ animosity toward Yosef. They resented his reporting on their activities to their father. They were jealous of the love that Yaakov reserved especially for Yosef. However, Chizkuni suggests that a careful analysis of the passages suggests that each of these factors was significant to a different set of brothers. The Torah explains that Yosef’s companions were the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah. It then explains that he reported on them to his father. The Torah then describes Yaakov’s special love for Yosef and explains that his brothers hated him.
Chizkuni explains that the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah resented Yosef because of his reports to their father. The other brothers—the children of Leyah – resented him because of their father’s preference for Yosef.[6]
This is understandable. The sons of Bilhah and Zilpah were the offspring of servants that Yaakov had taken as wives. They understood that their mothers were secondary wives. They did not expect to have the same position in the family as the sons of Yaakov’s primary wives – Rachel and Leyah. Therefore, their resentment was not evoked by Yaakov’s preference for Yosef. They had some degree of expectation of this preference.
Leyah’s sons did expect to be treated as Yosef’s equal. In fact, their mother had competed with Rachel for the love of Yaakov. Each wished to be his primary wife. This conflict between Rachel and Leyah was communicated to their children. Just as Leyah resisted accepting Rachel’s special position in the family. Leyah’s sons were unwilling to accept Yosef’s appointment to a position of distinction.
This dynamic undermined Yaakov’s plan. The sons of Zilpah and Bilhah could accept Yosef as their superior. However, this was not a situation that Leyah’s sons could accept. They resisted and did everything in their power to defeat Yaakov’s plan.
- Assertive parenting and family dynamics
The narrative provides an extensive commentary on the limits of a parent’s ability to impose his or her will upon his children and family. Yaakov had a plan and design for his family. He was not reserved in expressing it. He acted very forcefully. He did not conceal his plans for Yosef and he expected his brothers to accept his leadership. However, despite this assertive approach, Yaakov failed. He could not overcome the underlying dynamics within the family. He ignored these dynamics and attempted to impose his vision upon his children. The results were disastrous. He lost his beloved Yosef. Yosef was condemned to bondage. His other sons were moved to take horrible action against their own brother.
The narrative suggests that parents should be assertive. However, it also suggests that a parent must understand that there are limits to his or her capacity to impose a vision upon the family. These limits must be identified and appreciated or even the most carefully conceived vision will fail or may invite tragedy.
[1] Mesechet Shabbat 10b.
[2] Rabbaynu Shemuel ben Meir (Rashbam) Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 37:23.
[3] Rabbaynu David Kimchi (Radak), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit 37:23.
[4] Rav Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin (Netziv), Commentary Hamek Davar on Sefer Beresheit 37:23.
[5] Rabbaynu Chizkiya ben Manoach (Chizkuni), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit, 37:2.
[6] Rabbaynu Chizkiya ben Manoach (Chizkuni), Commentary on Sefer Beresheit, 37:2.