Grieving
Grieving is an important and positive part of mourning. For example, an important role of the eulogy is to stir up weeping among the listeners. We are commanded to acknowledge, not to minimize, the incalculabe loss we suffer by the passing of a relative.
At the same time, it is forbidden to grieve excessively. Such excess is considered not just unseemly but indeed ominous. “Rav Yehuda said in the name of Rav, anyone who grieves excessively over the dead, is destined to weep over another. . . What is appropriate? Three days for weeping, seven days for eulogy, thirty days for unkempt clothes and hair. Anything beyond this, the Holy One blessed be He says, Don’t think that you are more compassionate than Me.” (Moed Katan 27a.)
It is important to note that there are a number of exceptions where excessive weeping is appropriate. Still, even the idea of rebuke for such weeping seems quite excessive, and may be hard for us to understand.
The Iyun Yaakov commentary gives two explanations. The first likens excessive weeping to the sin of the spies. When the spies brought back a negative report of the chances of conquering the Land of Israel, all the people cried. Instead of rejoicing over their opportunity to inherit the land, they were terrified and upset. They were punished by forty years of wandering in which the entire generation would die. (Bamidbar chapters 13 and 14.) Indeed, our Sages tell us that in fact this involved “crying for generations”, because even when we did inherit the land the conquest was not permanent; the subsequent exiles were a consequence also of the sin of the spies. (Taanit 29a.) This is like the old expression, “If you keep crying I’ll really give you something to cry about.”
The sin of the spies was not a simple case of fearing war; the problem was that their grief and despair revealed a lack of faith in HaShem. There was an explicit Divine promise that the Jews who left Egypt would inherit the land. Likewise, while a period of weeping is desirable, a person may grieve so excessively that he shows a lack of faith in HaShem, denying His promise that ultimately all is for the good – that the departed will receive a just reward, and that ultimately return to life.
According to the Iyun Yaakov’s second explanation, the gemara is not referring to any kind of punishment. Rather, if someone weeps for an unusual amount of time, it may be because his spirit has a kind of inkling or premonition of a future misfortune. We infer that the mourner’s weeping is is no longer over the past misfortune but rather over an expected future one. It goes without saying that according to either explanation repentance, prayer and charity can reverse the decree.