Seudat Havra'a - The Mourner's First Meal

The first meal that a mourner eats following the burial of a close relative[1] is known as the "seudat havra'a".[2] Foods which are eaten as part of the seudat havra'a may not belong to the mourner, rather they must be foods which are provided by friends and neighbors.[3] Other authorities rule that merely the bread eaten at this meal must be provided by others but that condiments and side dishes may consist of the mourner's own foods.[4] In yet the strictest approach, some authorities rule that even drinks, such as tea and coffee, must be provided by someone else and may not be his own.[5] There is also a view that the mourner is only obligated to begin his meal with foods provided by others but may continue the meal with his own food.[6] The custom of providing mourners with food is derived from the book of Yechezkel.[7] It is ideal that the mourner not eat or drink anything before partaking of the seudat havra'a.[8]

It is customary to provide the mourner with round foods for the seudat havra'a, such as bagels, lentils, eggs, and beans.[9] One who prepares eggs for a mourner should peel the shells off the eggs before giving them to him. It is permissible for a mourner to eat meat or drink wine at the seudat havra'a.[10] It is preferable that bread be served at a seudat havra'a thought it is not absolutely essential.[11] Most authorities maintain that it is only the first meal following burial that must be provided by others, however some authorities include all foods eaten for the remainder of the day in this requirement, as well.[12]

In some communities it has become customary for friends and neighbors to provide mourners with all of their meals for the entire shiva period.[13]It is interesting to note, however, that this practice has little basis in Jewish tradition and some authorities have even called into question the legitimacy of doing so.[14] Helping to clean the mourner's home and keep it in order are also a component of the mitzva of havra'a.[15]

The concept of a seudat havra'a originated with Yaakov Avinu who prepared a meal consisting of lentil stew for his father Yitzchak who was sitting shiva for his father, Avraham Avinu.[16] The reason that beans, lentils, and eggs have become so closely associated with mourning is because they have no "mouth", no opening, which represents that mourners lack the ability to properly express their feelings. So too, they are round and therefore represent the "circle of life".[17]

It is actually unclear what the true reason for providing a mourner with a seudat havra'a is. Some sources suggest that the purpose of the seudat havra'a is to ensure that the mourner eats and takes care of his needs at a time when he might forget himself and even wish he was dead.[18] Other sources suggest that the purpose of the seudat havra'a is in order for the mourner to see that his friends and neighbors share in his pain.[19] Another reason offered is to ensure that the mourner eats modestly and conducts himself in the required spirit of mourning. It also helps ensure that he does not get drunk.[20] Finally, some suggest that the reason for the seudat havra'a is because when a death occurs, a spirit of impurity rests upon the home, especially the food. As such, the first foods which are eaten are provided by others in order to ensure that the mourner does not eat food which is spiritually contaminated.[21]

In the event that there is simply no one to provide the mourner with a seudat havra'a he should take his own food and give it to a friend or neighbor. This person can then return the food to the mourner as a "gift". In this way the mourner will ultimately be eating someone else's food.[22] Similarly, two mourners can swap meals with each other in order to allow for each person to eat food which is provided by someone else as required for the seudat havra'a.[23]

A husband must not be the one to provide the seudat havra'a for his wife. This is because since a husband is halachically obligated to support his wife, his food is essentially her food, and is therefore disqualified from serving as the seudat havra'a. So too, the seudat havra'a should be a meal which is distinct in nature. A husband and wife eating a meal together, consisting of foods from their own home, does not appear to be out of the ordinary in any way.[24]

In the event that a mourner is unable to attend the funeral he must be sure not to begin his seudat havra'a until it is certain that the person he is mourning for has been buried.[25] A seudat havra'a should not be held too close to the arrival of Shabbat.[26] A mourner who was unable to partake of the seudat havra'a before Shabbat must do so after Shabbat, as a seudat havra'a is never held on Shabbat itself. In such a situation the mourner is permitted to recite havdalla at the conclusion of Shabbat using his own wine, even though he did not yet eat a seudat havra'a. A seudat havra'a is held following a burial on Chol Hamoed even though expressions of mourning are generally suspended on Chol Hamoed.[27]

[1] A father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, or spouse.

[2] Moed Katan 27b.

[3] YD 378:1.

[4] Aruch Hashulchan, YD 378:1.

[5] Misgeret Hashulchan 205:1.

[6] Dikdukei Sofrim 25:44.

[7] Yechezkel 24:16-17; Moed Katan 27b.

[8] Yabia Omer, YD 2:25. Divrei Malkiel 2:97.

[9] YD 378:7.

[10] Dikdukei Sofrim 25:37-40.

[11] Rabbeinu Yerucham, Netiv 28; YD 378:9; Aruch Hashulchan, YD 378:2.

[12] Rambam, Hilchot Avel 4:9; Aruch Hashulchan, YD 378:1.

[13] Dikdukei Sofrim 25:5.

[14] Igrot Moshe, YD 2:168.

[15] YD 378:7.

[16] Rashi, Bereishit 25:30.

[17] Bava Batra 16b.

[18] Beit Yosef, YD 378; Chochmat Adam 158:5; Dikdukei Sofrim 25:21.

[19] Dikdukei Sofrim 25:22; Igrot Moshe, YD 2:168.

[20] Dikdukei Sofrim 25:23.

[21] Dikdukei Sofrim 25:24.

[22] Gesher Hachaim 20:2:3.

[23] YD 378:1.

[24] Rosh, Moed Katan 3:84; YD 378:2.

[25] Megillat Sefer, YD 35:2.

[26] YD 378:5.

[27] Aruch Hashulchan, OC 547:6; Yabia Omer, YD 4:26.