Nedarim - Daf 20

  • נדר בחרם ואמר לא נדרתי אלא בחרמו של ים

The Mishnah on Daf 18b stated regarding nedarim: ופירושם להקל - their interpretation is accepted even if it is lenient. The Mishnah here gives numerous examples of someone who provides a far-fetched interpretation of his neder, the first one being: נדר בחרם ואמר לא נדרתי אלא בחרמו של ים - One vowed with a cherem and said afterwards, “I vowed only regarding the cherem (meaning the net) of the sea.” Rebbe Meir says about these cases: על כולן אין נשאלין להם - on all of them, they do not need to request a heter (i.e., the neder is invalid), ואם נשאלו עונשין אותן ומחמירין עליהן - and if they did request a heter, we punish them and are strict with them. The Gemara notes the apparent contradiction in the Mishnah whether a heter for the neder is required, and explains that whereas a scholar is fully believed [Ran] about his original intent and does not require a heter, an am ha’aretz is not trusted and thus requires a heter. The Gemara explains that מחמירין עליה means דלא פתחינן ליה בחרטה - that we do not provide an opening for him with regret, meaning it is not annulled on the basis of mere regret for making the neder. Rather, he must offer a true pesach for his neder, stating that it was made based on a mistaken presumption. The Chochomim disagree, and hold that we do provide an opening for him with regret, and we do not punish him for having violated the neder. However, he is instructed to keep his neder, so that he should not treat it lightly.

  • The trait of בושה

It was taught in a Baraisa regarding the purpose of the experience at Har Sinai, the passuk states: "בעבור תהיה יראתו על פניכם" זו בושה – “So that fear of Him will be in your faces,” this refers to the trait of shame, לבלתי תחטאו"” - “so that you should not sin,” מלמד שהבושה מביאה לידי יראת חטא - this teaches that shame leads to fear of sin. מיכן אמרו סימן יפה באדם שהוא ביישן - From here they said, it is a good sign for a person that he is bashful. אחרים אומרים כל אדם המתבייש לא במהרה הוא חוטא - Others say, anyone who exhibits shame does not quickly sin. ומי שאין לו בושת פנים בידוע שלא עמדו אבותיו על הר סיני - And he who does not have shamefacedness, it is known that his ancestors did not stand at Har Sinai. The Ran explains that since the passuk quoted above describes the events of Har Sinai as imparting shame, one who does not exhibit this trait must not have descended from those present.

  • כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו עושה

R’ Yochonon ben Dehavai said that he was told by angels about four disabilities in children which are caused by various improper activities of their parents during relations. The Gemara concludes that the Chochomim say that the halachah does not accord with Rabbi Yochonon ben Dehavai,אלא כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו עושה - rather, all that a man wants to do with his wife he may do. משל לבשר הבא מבית הטבח - This is comparable to meat that comes from the butcher; רצה לאכלו במלח אוכלו, צלי אוכלו, מבושל אוכלו, שלוק אוכלו - if he wants to eat it with salt, roasted, cooked, or stewed, he may do so. The Gemara provides a similar comparison with fish, and records two incidents where women were instructed to allow their husbands to do the activities that R’ Yochonon ben Dehavai condemned. It notes that the “angels” whom R’ Yochonon ben Dehavai was quoting, actually refers to the Rabbis, because we would not rule against angels in matters that they know more about than men.