Looking Out for Number One
Real questions, submitted by actual OU Torah followers, with their real answers. NOTE: For questions of practical halacha, please consult your own rabbi for guidance.
This question refers to the author's book The Taryag Companion
Q. Can you please direct me to the mitzvos in your book that command a person to say no? To love yourself more than you can love others that complements ואהבת לרעך כמוך (to love your neighbor as yourself)? Maybe an explanation of אם אין אני לי מי לי (If I am not for myself, who will be for me)? To say no to people who have ulterior motives?
A. Thanks for your excellent question. To my knowledge, there's no mitzvah specifically to say no but limits are built into the mitzvos that require us to say yes. Consider the following mitzvos:
* To love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Leviticus 19:18) - the Torah specifies "as yourself," not "more than yourself."
* To help another unload his donkey (Exodus 23:5) - the Torah specifies that we must do it with him, not for him. If he doesn't do his share, we're exempt from any obligation at all.
* To save others who are in danger (Leviticus 19:16) - but there's also a mitzvah to protect our own lives (Deuteronomy 4:15). There is some discussion among the poskim regarding how much one must endanger himself in the attempt to save another. Rav Ovadia Yosef zt”l ruled that if there’s a 50% chance of death (or greater), then one isn’t allowed to endanger himself to save another (Yechava Daas 3:84).
* Not to lend money with interest (Leviticus 25:36-37) - the Torah tells us the reason for this mitzvah is "so that your brother shall live with you." In the Talmud (Baba Metzia 62a), this phrase is used as the basis for a ruling that one who is lost in the desert and only has enough water for himself to survive should not share his canteen with another. For one's brother to live with him, first one has to live himself! It's noteworthy that this ruling reflects the opinion of Rabbi Akiva, who calls loving one's neighbor "the great principle of the Torah." Clearly, looking out for #1 doesn't contradict that, it's a prerequisite to that.
I think looking out for #1 comes instinctively to most people – it's the part about looking out for others that most people need to be reminded about. But some people do need to be reminded about self-care. This may be why Hillel HaZaken felt the need to stress אם אין אני לי מי לי (If I am not for myself, who will be for me?), making explicit that which in the Torah is implicit. But remember, that mishna continues וכשאני לעצמי מה אני (If I am only for myself, what kind of a person am I?). Not only that, it was Hillel, the author of that mishna, who also said, "That which is hateful to you do not do to another. That is the entire Torah; the rest is just commentary" (Shabbos 31a). So, again, looking out for #1 isn't a contradiction to loving others; all the people who stress loving others also stress loving ourselves.
It should go without saying that we should not acquiesce to those who have ulterior motives. "Putting a stumbling block" before someone is an aveirah; why enable someone you suspect of doing that? So please give tzedaka to people who ask for it but feel free not to give to those whom you suspect are scammers.
I had a recent article on Jew in the City that addresses a theme similar to that of your question, so you might want to take a look there for more information.
Rabbi Jack's latest book, Ask Rabbi Jack, is now available from Kodesh Press and on Amazon.com.